#I thought it’d be better or easier with company after this time

[arihi]

The difficult thing about openly blogging about healing and going through a long period of growth publicly is the feeling of “I’m not doing super great, and it’s worse than it has been before” springs to mind, but for the X number of times you’ve said it in the past, it feels more trivial. And maybe that’s a sign that things have always been an up and down sort of pattern, and that it will pass again, but maybe it also serves to feel more isolating in not having the words or energy anymore to describe how it is *this* time. And it is a position that changes day to day, and on better days it feels more passable, and on worse the void feels more vast. The mere fact that it changes is probably a good sign, that nothing ever has to be set in stone. But boy are some days so, so dreadful.

[thebestofoneshots]

Gilded Constellations | wolfstar x reader

Series Masterlist | Previous episode

Pairing: Wolfstar x Reader Word Count: 7.2 K Warnings: none Prompt: What will happen when yet another full moon approaches, could things start to change? This IS a wolfstar x reader fic, but it's incredibly slow burn. They won't start all dating each other until we're very deep into the story, but I promise the long wait will be worth it.

ANOUNCMENT:

In a couple of weeks I'll make a Q&A to cellebrate Gilded Constellations reaching 100,000 K words. And I'd love for all of you to be a part of it. So send in your questions, they can be anything you want, things like: How did you get the idea? Where does inspo come from? writing tips (I mean I don’t know much but anyway), character design, fancast, fav characters, things about me, about my plot notebook, literally anything you want, ask away (just state: For Q&A event or something) <3

Chapter 13: “Rebel, Rebel.”

October, 22nd (Friday)

A week after the incident, your mom had already sent your old Viper, but the Nimbus company had yet to respond to your letter. You’d gotten used to your older broom pretty fast. Muscle memory must really be a thing, since the moment you mounted it, it was like you’d been doing it forever. 

James was right, the Viper was a lot more stable than other brooms. More than Sirius’ SweepFire, and probably more than the Dark Nimbus itself. But it was slower, you’d already gotten used to the fast accelerations your Dark Nimbus had, and now you had to be extra attentive of the ball so you could make a move before it had enough time to get past you and onto one of the goals. Regardless of the slowness, the Viper was sturdier and heavier, which made it easier to do tricks like the backflip people still wouldn’t stop talking about. Last Tuesday you’d even attempted to surf on it, and you managed to do perfectly fine for a couple of meters until James spotted you and gave you the longest talk about being responsible and not doing stupid things, the hypocrite. But he was on captain mode and when he got on that mood it was absolutely useless to talk him out of it, so you nodded and promised you wouldn’t do it again, even if you probably would at some point. 

You told Lily about dating Sirius as soon as you were feeling better, she asked you so many questions, from how it’d happen to how good were Sirius’ kisses. She had been told he was really good by a girl back in 5th year, and she wanted to know if it was true or if the girl was just obsessed with Sirius like most girls in school. You omitted the fact that you probably were just as obsessed with him as they were and confirmed that Sirius was indeed a good kisser, not that you’d kissed all that many people before, but still. The rest of your friends had slowly found out about your new relationship, be it for the way Sirius sat next to you a lot more often now, because his teasing and flirting had gotten a lot stronger. Or, in the case of Tom, because he’d accidentally found you snogging on an empty classroom, at least he just gave you a thumbs up, a cheeky smile, and whispered something like “Keep it going guys! You’re doing great”.  Both you and Sirius had separated to laugh about it when Tom closed the door. 

“You ready?” Sirius asked with a smile, pulling you from your thoughts.  You looked at him with a daring face. 

You know that thing you were told not to do a couple of days ago and you promised you wouldn’t? Well, that promise lasted exactly 4 days, 3 hours and a couple of minutes. James was busy with an essay he’d forgotten about, and you and Sirius had gone flying together, and unfortunately, neither of you had a clear enough sense of self-preservation when you were around each other. Especially not after someone said, “I dare you to…” 

You were slowly standing over your broom, hands extended to try and keep your balance. Neither of you was flying too high, that way if you fell you wouldn’t get too hurt. Once you had managed to maintain your balance you nodded “Ready,” you said with a wink, and the two of you started broom surfing, picking up speed as you glided through the open fields of the school. As you were about to reach the finish line, you realized the grass was moving in a funny way right in front of you, and you frowned.  

“Hey Sirius I think–“ you started, but it was too late, something had yanked both of your brooms down and caused you to tumble down to the grass. You’d fallen over and rolled a couple of meters while he’d fallen over something, or rather someone. As you looked up you realized he was right on top of Remus, who had popped out of nowhere (probably the invisibility cloak). As the two of them sorted themselves out you stood up quickly and looked around, spitting some of the grass that had gotten inside your mouth. And then you spotted them, Barty Crouch and Evan Rosier, hiding behind a stone wall. You took your wand out and pointed it at them. Evan seemed to pull back but Barty just smiled wickedly “The fuck is wrong with you?” You roared, already walking towards where they stood. 

Barty walked head high towards you too “You saw them fall, Evan? It was hilarious!” 

“Fall? You must be bIoody delusional if you think you’re going to trick me with that! I felt the way my broom was yanked down.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said with a smile “Do you Evan?” 

Evan shook his head, as if Barty needed a sidekick to be vile. 

“You’re begging for me to break your stupid nose again,” you replied as you looked at him impassively. 

“I’d like to see you try,” he said smugly. 

You pointed your wand at his face, but Remus stood in front of you, calmly placing his hand over the one you used to hold your wand and pushing it down a little, to prompt you to do it yourself. 

Sirius stood still next to Remus, looking at Barty with hate, but keeping a strong grip on his wand. 

“Remus what the–“

“–He’s provoking you,” he told you calmly “he wants you to react.” 

“Yeah, well maybe I want to react,” you retorted, now slightly irritated at your friend’s actions. He just looked at you, shook his head calmly and softly ran his thumb over your forearm, still pushing it lightly down. If anyone knew about anger management it was Remus Lupin.

“Hey,” he said softly, looking at you straight in the eye, trying to get you to focus on him, rather than on Barty looking at you cockily from behind “Look at me luv,” he cooed, you looked at him for a second but turned your eyes back to Barty “I’m fine, Pads’s fine, you’re fine. There is no need to fight.” 

“You could’ve gotten hurt, we could’ve–“ 

“–Listen to me. Don’t give him the satisfaction of rilling you up. You don’t want him to be the cause of Gryffindor losing points, do you? That’s probably why he’s–“ 

“–yeah, go ahead (Y/N), listen to your boyfriends, they know what’s best,” Evan taunted from behind, you clenched your jaw. But took a deep breath, finally lowering your wand. Maybe you should’ve put him in his place then and then, how different would things have ended up if you actually had? 

“You know what Barty? Remus is right, you aren’t even worth my time.” You said standing straighter “At least be more creative with your petty jokes next time, all right? Maybe then you’d at least keep me entertained.” Then you turned around and used your wand to pull both yours and Sirius’ broom to your hands and walked back to the castle, lagging just a second so Sirius and Remus would walk by your side. 

“I want to strangle him,” you told them once you thought the two Slytherins were out of earshot.

“You and me both,” Sirius agreed, taking his broom from your hands, but lingering as his fingers brushed over yours “I probably would have, had Remus not stopped me first.” You looked at him for a moment and then recalled, Sirius was still on top of Remus because of the fall when you speed-walked towards the two Slytherin boys.  “And he’s right, the last thing we want is to start an open war in between us and his stupid gang.” 

“But they already started it, we’re just not doing anything about it.” You reproached, still a little riled up, the urge to punch Barty was wearing you thin, “Anyway, I do not want to have detention while everyone’s enjoying themselves at the Halloween party next week.” 

Remus smiled “How do you know about that?” 

“Tom and Beth told me all about the party you guys always plan together, I’m already preparing my costume.” 

“Is it gonna be a sexy Halloween costume, luv?” Sirius chimed in, leaning towards you with a little smirk on his face. 

 You pushed him back playfully “Ugh… don’t be such a dog!” 

Remus laughed at that, “I’m sure you’d look pretty even in a sack of potatoes.” 

“Yeah, in a very short one,” Sirius teased even further. 

“If only my boyfriend was as much of a gentleman as his friend here,” you said with a playful sight.

“You clearly don’t know Moony’s dark side,” Sirius chimed. 

You arched your eyebrows at that “And you do?” 

Sirius was about to respond when Beth showed up, looking a bit agitated as If she had been running “There you are!” She said as she stood in front of the three “Professor Spellman wants to see us earlier today, something about a special announcement.”

You frowned “Right now?” You asked. She nodded. 

“But we haven’t eaten!” Sirius complained. 

“I don’t think it’ll take too much,” Beth said with a shrug, “But it did seem rather urgent.” 

You nodded and the four of you started walking towards the North Tower. When you arrived, you realized they hadn’t exclusively called your class, in fact, the entire school year had somehow crammed inside the classroom. There were barely any sits left, when Tom saw Beth, he quickly waved to her and she went to sit besides him. You scanned the room and found only one table free, you rolled your eyes when you realized Evan and a Slytherin girl from his year whose name slipped your mind were sitting behind it. You looked at Sirius and pointed at the only free spot with a nudge of your head. 

He rolled his eyes but the three of you walked towards the table, the boys pushed the two chairs together and you squeezed in between the two. Leaning ahead a little so they could accommodate their larger backs onto the chair. Sirius had placed his hand on your tight under the table, and you gave him a look, “I’m gonna fall if I don’t grab onto something,” he said with an innocent smile.

“Yeah, sure enough, Puppy,” you replied playfully. 

“Hm… that’s the fifth from this week,” he said as he squeezed your tight.

Then you felt something pull your hair from behind. You turned around pissed and Evan was smiling “What? Did I ruin your cuddle time with your two boyfriends?”

You looked at him, but smirked “Why, you jelly?” You asked but didn’t give him enough time to reply, “You should know by now that my cuddle time knows no bounds. It's an exclusive club with a very long waiting list. But don't worry, I can squeeze you in somewhere between Tuesdays and never." 

Evan’s face turned sour while Sirius looked at you with a proud smirk and Remus laughed, chest rumbling behind you. He was about to retaliate when Professor Spellman walked in. So you decided to piss him off even further “Shh honey…” you said as condescendingly as possible “Teacher’s about to speak,” finally you turned around with a smirk. 

Remus gave you a side eye and placed his hand, palm facing up, just above your lap, raising his eyebrows, you understood what he meant in a second and high-fived him instantly, giving him a wink before leaning over the desk a little, to give the two boys some space. 

When Spellman finally reached his desk, he gave you a stern look “Miss (Y/LN), why are you sitting between Mr. Black and Mr. Lupin?” 

“There was nowhere else to sit,” you replied, motioning to the crammed classroom “I can sit on the floor if you want though.” 

The Professor sighed but nodded, “That won’t be necessary, this won’t take too long,” he said, before waving his wand and letting a long banner unroll from the ceiling over the chalkboard.

It read: The Moon and the Stars

“As some of you who keep up with the astral cycle may know, next Sunday is full moon,” Spellman said, you felt Remus tense behind you, which made you frown, but the professor kept talking, and you ended up shrugging it off “And not only that, but a very interesting phenomenon will also occur, it will be a bIood moon, which makes it the perfect moment for an astrology class,” He said with a proud smile “You will all be excused from today’s class in exchange for 2 hours of your Sunday night.” There was a mix of groans and cheers in the classroom, from those who were happy about not having class, and those who were upset about having class on a Sunday “Class will start at 10 pm,” Spellman continued, not giving the children time to protest “bring your notebooks and telescopes, those who have their own. We will meet in the Astronomy tower. Any questions?” 

A Ravenclaw boy raised his hand “What happens if we can’t make it?” 

“I highly doubt you’ll have anything better to do on Sunday night Mr. Finchley,” the professor responded sassily. Remus, who looked like he wanted to say something, decided to let it go, and sank back on the chair. The professor waited a couple more seconds, to see if anyone else had a question, but upon no one’s answer he clapped his hands together “Excellent, you’re excused now. See you on Sunday.” 

Sirius was the first one to stand up, letting you out through his side, while Remus seemed to be a little troubled. Your boyfriend placed a hand over his shoulder “It’s ok mate, we’ll figure it out,” he told him. You looked at the exchange with curiosity but it dissipated the moment Lily appeared out of nowhere and hooked her arm around yours.

“The girls and I are going to go prepare some droughts at the potions classroom now, hair and grooming stuff, you said you wanted to brew a special something for your Halloween costume, yeah?” 

You nodded, Sirius raised an eyebrow “Special something?” 

You smiled in response “If you guess it, I’ll give you a prize,” you said confidently, he would not guess your Halloween costume, even if he tried a thousand times. 

“Anything I want?” He asked suggestively. 

You laughed in response “Sure Puppy, anything you want,” you told him before walking out with Lily, the girls were waiting just outside the door.

“That was the 6th!” You heard Sirius say from behind. 

Lily raised an eyebrow “What’s that all about,” she asked. You giggled in response “Let’s just say dear Sirius and I have a bit of an arrangement, I can call him Puppy whenever I want, but he gets some kisses in return.” 

She laughed at your answer “Why aren’t I surprised?” 

You shrugged with a smile, finally catching up with the girls “You wanted to make a glow potion, right?” Mary asked, “Like the one Marlene drank on her birthday?” 

“Yup, I think I’ve got all the ingredients ready too,” you told her, checking the little rattan bag inside your backpack where you’d been placing all the necessary stuff. 

Lily gave a small peak to the bag and frowned “I don’t think you’ve got glow-weed yet.” 

Tom, who seemed to have shown up out of nowhere started to walk by Lily’s side “Why do you need weed?” 

You laughed “Glow-weed,” Beth corrected “not weed, weed.” 

“Hmmm… that’s not as fun.” He said, scrunching his nose a little “What for?” 

“(Y/N’s) Halloween Costume,” Marlene answered casually.

“Oh, you’re gonna be a fairy or something?” He asked excitedly.

You paled at that and turned to him wide-eyed “If you tell Sirius Black about it, I’ll strangle you.” 

“Cheeky,” he replied, leaning closer to you, which made you roll your eyes and push him back. 

“Please don’t tell Sirius?” 

“Why?” 

“She promised Sirius a prize if he guessed. She specifically said anything he wanted,” Lily chimed in. 

Tom looked at Lily and then turned his gaze back to you, impressed “So really cheeky then.” 

“Toooom!” You whined. 

“My lips are sealed,” he said, passing a hand over them as if he was zipping them and then placing his hand over his chest. How dramatic, you thought, but then again, you were the one dating Sirius Black, so who were you to judge? 

“Why didn’t you just tell him about your costume?” Asked Beth. 

You sighed “He was going on and on about sexy Halloween costumes, he would not stop bothering me if I did.” You responded simply, by then you were already outside the potions classroom. Professor Slughorn was in his office, and Lily had been the one inside and asked for permission to enter. He was more than happy to let you guys in to practice potions that he even gave Lily the key to the ingredients room, giving you free rein to use whatever you might need. 

When Lily came out, shaking the key in her hand with a smile Marlene rolled her eyes “Teacher’s pet,” she teased. 

“Maybe,” she said with a shrug “but, I just got our hands on the Ingredients Supply, and Slughorn said we could take whatever we wanted.”

“Sweet!” Said Tom as he took the keys from Lily’s hands and led all the way to the ingredients room. He took out a little paper from his pocket and started looking for some stuff, all the while you tried to find some of that glow-weed.  

When you finally found it you looked at the combination of stuff he’d placed in his basket and narrowed your eyes at him in suspicion “That’s not for beauty products is it?” 

He shook his head with a little smirk “I’m working on a little something,” he said, “also for the Halloween party.” 

You raised your eyebrow, looking at the stuff he’d gathered so far “Essence of Laughing Lily, Blissberry Extract, Frolic Fizzweed Leaves, Lavender Essence, are you by any chance making–“ 

He shook his head and placed a finger over your mouth “–Shhhhh! If Lily busts us, we won’t be having any fun.”

You smiled complicity “Well then, keep working on your little magical project,” you said, and then leaned in closer to whisper “If you add Moonstone Shimmer, you can make the potion a bit more potent overall.” You raised your eyebrows and winked before walking back to the table on which you’d be working. Marlene was next to you, and she’d set herself to prepare a special hand cream since the weather was getting colder. 

Beth was working on an enchanting hair serum that she’d run out of. And Lily said she was working on a “perfect curls potion,” also for the Halloween party. 

“Would you mind borrowing me some of that on the Halloween party?” You asked her when she told you what she was working on. 

She nodded “In fact, I’m making a lot extra,” she replied with a smile “To keep a stash on our bathroom.” 

“You’re brilliant!” You told her with a smile. 

“I’m working on some radiant complexion elixir, also for our bathroom,” Mary said. “We’re giving some of our stuff to Beth and she’s gonna borrow some of her hair stuff. We’ll all be stocked up in beauty products?” 

“And you do this all the time?” You asked with a smile. 

“A couple times a year, yeah,” said Marlene from her table.

“Genious, can I help with anything?” 

“I was actually thinking of using some of your glow potion and add it to the one I’m making, for glowier hair,” Beth told you, you smiled and nodded. 

“Oh, that would look amazing!” You agreed, “A bit on the radiant complexion would probably work wonders too.” 

“Yes, it would!” Lily said with a nod. “And what are you working on Tom?” She asked, turning to the boy. 

He turned to her like a deer trapped in headlights, and then crossed his eyes over at you, pleading for help “After shave lotion, right?” You said casually “So that the shave lasts longer, you mentioned?” 

He nodded “Ye– yeah… I heard Remus complain about his freshly shaved face lasting nothing, and I thought, same mate. Decided to do something about it.” 

You kept a tight smile as you gave him a look. Tom was a shitty liar. “Right! I’m sure that recipe James got you from Fleamont will be brilliant.” Tom nodded and went back to his preparations. 

“Why would you need Frolic Fizzweed Leaves for an aftershave lotion?” Lily asked, more to herself than to the rest. 

You shrugged “Must be one of those secret Potter family tricks,” you said with a shrug, and then smiled when you concluded it would be the perfect time to tease your friend “I’m sure if you married Potter your in-laws would be more than happy to tell you all about them.” 

Lily gave you a reproachful look, but Marlene added to the conversation “It’d be great, that way they could get back the potion-making talent they lost on with James.” 

“James isn’t bad at potions!” She said with a shrug, not quite thinking before she spoke.

Your smile grew “Really? Tell us all about your boy’s talents.” 

“He’s not my boy.” 

“Pretty sure he is, at least in his point of view,” added Tom as he mixed some things in his cauldron. 

“Why don’t you guys tease (Y/N) with Sirius instead?” Lily said as she chopped some of her ingredients with a bit of a frown. 

“They’re dating already, what is there to tease them about?” Mary said with a shrug, “If you want us to stop teasing you, you should just date Potter.” 

You all laughed at that, but no one continued to tease poor Lily any further. As you went back to your table next to Marlene, you realized she was already mixing stuff in her cauldron. You figured most of your friends would be done with their potions before your next meal, so you decided to concentrate on your brew. 

Getting the extract from the glow weed, was the most complicated part since it required an intricate spell and some special distillation skills, but you managed to do it after just a couple of tries. Once that was done, the rest of the potion was actually pretty simple, all you had to do was add the ingredients at the right time and mix according to the instructions. When you finished, you had a cauldron filled with glow potion, it had a golden colour, slightly bright, almost as if there was some light source hidden in the inside of it. You took out the crystal bottles you’d gotten for today and used a ladle to slowly pour the liquid onto them, placing some of the potion in a small bottle with a dropper, and handed it over to your friends so they could add their drops on the potions they’d made.

When you were done, everyone was pleased with their own potions, especially Tom, who had somehow managed to finish his mystery potion without anyone else figuring out what he was making, he placed it on a small crystal bottle with a golden cap and a transparent liquid. You all walked back to the dorms together and divided the little vials amongst Beth and your room. She wasn’t all that close with her roommates, so she took smaller, personal-sized potions while your room got the bigger vials and flasks. Once you placed your small bottle on your trunk, next to some of the other stuff you’d already prepared for your costume, you walked downstairs to wait for the girls in the common room, you grabbed the book Nina had lent you and sat on the couch. Tom came down and plopped down beside you minutes later. 

“What are you reading?” He asked taking the book from your hands and reading the back cover “A spicy werewolf novel?” 

“It was recommended.” 

“Yeah, I bet,” he said with a bit of a cheeky smile and started flipping through the pages, stopping in on a page with a drawing of a shirtless man and eyeing it “Damn, he could rile me.” You raised an eyebrow, “Just look at him!” 

You laughed at that “Didn’t know you liked boys.” 

He shook his head “It’s not that I like them,” he said “I just don’t care if they’re boys, or girls, or anything…” 

You nodded, thinking about it for a second “I think I don’t either.” 

He gave you his signature bright smile and placed his arm over your shoulder, bringing you slightly closer to him “Welcome to the club!”

“Are there many others like us in the school?” 

“You’d be surprised, most of them hide it quite well though, you wouldn’t expect it, you know a few, but it’s not for me to tell. We Brits are pretty open-minded you see.” 

You nodded, “Definitely better than in my old school.” 

When the girls finally came downstairs you all walked out of the common room together, and you stayed with them until you had to split ways since they’d taken a different extracurricular. You walked half of the way to your classroom when you spotted Remus walking by himself, who also walked towards the classroom, so you picked up your pace and caught up with him “Nice to see you again, Rem!” You told him with a smile. 

“How did potion making go?” He asked politely. 

“Excellent, my costume is almost ready!” 

“You’re really going big with it, aren’t you?” He asked, raising one of his eyebrows.

You nodded “It’s my first Halloween at Hogwarts, you guys have set the bar pretty high according to Marlene, I’ve gotta match those high standards.” 

“She said that?” 

You nodded “She told me all about your costumes from previous years, how last Halloween you dressed up as the teachers, McGonagall was mortified when she saw Prongs with an exact replica of her green robes.” 

Remus laughed, remembering that moment “Yeah, she did.” 

“What about you? What are you dressing as this year?” 

He sighed, “Frankly, I don’t have a plan yet, last year was Pads’ idea, and we all followed through, but this year he had a pretty rough summer break and didn’t plan any group costumes, we’re all making our own.” 

“I think you should be a pirate!” You told him simply. 

“A pirate?” 

“You’ve got the sexy pirate vibe going on already, why not?” You asked with a shrug. 

“Sexy pirate vibe?” He asked in disbelief. 

You nodded “Ask anyone, they’ll confirm it.” 

“Confirm what?” James asked as he caught up with the two of you 

“That Remus looks like a sexy pirate.” 

James raised his eyebrows at your words, looking a little impressed, and then turned to his friend “Hmmm…. Yeah, I see it.” 

“See? Told you! It was literally the first impression I got from you.” 

“When I went to pick you up at Dumbledore’s office?” He asked, rather confused.

You shook your head “No! When we you bumped into me at the station. I saw you, and instantly came flashbacks of those spicy novels with shirtless men on the cover.” 

When James heard it, he laughed like a madman, you were right, Moony definitely had the type. “Yours would have you, holding onto the ship’s mast with a barely buttoned white shirt, and the title would be something like The Beast Within,” James said in between laughs. 

Remus gave James a warning look, but you were too occupied gasping at James’ boldness “Are you implying Remus is a beast in bed, Merlin! James, I did not expect you to be cheating on Lily with your best friend!” 

Now it was Remus’ turn to laugh, James’ dumb joke had turned on him “Yeah James, please explain how you’d know anything about my nightly activities… I could be a gentle lover for all you know.” 

“I don’t know about that,” you teased “You do give off the beast in bed vibe.” 

Remus gasped “I’m the chillest of the group.” 

You nodded “It’s always the quiet ones,” you said with an air of mystery. 

When you arrived at the classroom, the three of you struggled to gain back composure and to calm down after the fit of laughter you’d caused each other. Remus went to sit beside Sirius, the first thing he did, was ask him what they were all laughing about, and after being told the story he ended up agreeing with you on two of the things said, First: Remus had to dress as a pirate now, there was no other option. Second: Moony would definitely be a beast in bed. 

Saturday came and went, this time you actually got to go to Hogsmeade for the first time, even if it was more of a business run than a pleasure one, the boys were so focused on getting all the stuff for the party ready that you barely even saw Sirius while you were in town. You spend most of the day with the girls, jumping from shop to shop to get some of the last bits you needed for everyone’s costume. Mary was going to go the easy route, she decided she’d dress as a kitten, her plan was to grab some cat ears and a tail, and enchant them to move like those of a real cat would. 

Marlene was going to do a matching costume with Holden, they’d both go as Sonny and Cher from the video “I Got You Babe”. Marlene had even gotten her hands on a long black wig and a small fur coat. And Holden had actually bought a hair-lengthening potion to match the look. You were certain the two of them would look incredible in their outfits. Beth was going to dress as an astronaut since she was very passionate about space exploration and some of the newer muggle technology advancements. Tom was going to dress up as a vampire and had convinced you to help him charm his canines to look like fangs.

James tried to persuade Lily to do a couple’s costume with him, but she refused every single time he asked, in the end, she decided she’d go as Ophelia, from Hamlet. When James found out he asked Remus to give him a short summary of the story and decided he’d be dressing up as Hamlet, to match with Lily even if she wasn’t expecting it. You honestly considered warning him against it, but he seemed so hopeful and they would look absolutely adorable in the photos so you decided against it. Peter said he’d dress as Edmund Pevensie, from  "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe” a book he had read when he took the muggle literature with Remus in 4th year, he’d convinced Teddy Hawthorn to dress as Peter, Annabeth Doxon to be Susan and a girl who you hadn’t met yet to be Lucy.  

Since you didn’t tell Sirius what you were dressing as, he decided he wouldn’t tell you either, so both of your costumes would be a surprise to each other. 

Unfortunately, your visit to Hogsmeade was so hectic, like everyone else’s, that you didn’t even have time to visit any of the restaurants your friends always talked about, you did see the Three Broomsticks from afar, it seemed like a nice and cozy little pub, very English in its type. Tom mentioned they made mean Beef Pasties and even if you weren’t quite sure they were, the way he described them them made them seem utterly delicious. He promised to treat you to some next time you went to Hogsmeade. 

By Sunday, you were all spent, dedicating a good deal of the day to work on your costumes, Hagrid had gifted some pumpkins to Peter and you were carving along with him and Remus in the common room, Beth was gluing some patches to her astronaut costume and Lily worked on adding some details to her dress. James and Sirius were up in their dorm, since James had to work on his secret Hamlet costume, and Sirius on his own secret costume. 

“How does it look,” you said as you turned around your pumpkin for Peter to see it.

He winced when he saw it, but was too nice to say anything negative about it “It’s… a little wonky, it… uh… works with the Halloween theme?” 

You laughed in response and pulled out the book of practical spells Nina had lent you, being sure there had to be something useful there. 

“Want some help?” Remus asked politely, taking your pumpkin and using a small blade to straighten some of your cuts. 

You placed a hand over his shoulders and thanked him before going back to the book, still trying to find a useful spell, but there wasn’t exactly a Halloween section on the index. When you turned back to look at your pumpkin, Remus had already finished up refining it and it looked incredible.

“That’s… Remus, you’re incredible with your hands!” 

“That’s what she said,” Peter said, almost automatically. 

You gasped “Peter!” you said as a little smile drew from your lips. He looked up from his pumpkin mortified, you giggled “Didn’t know you had it in you to make dirty jokes.” 

“You do remember I literally sleep in the same room that Sirius, right? The ability just rubs into me,” he told you with a little smile. You laughed along with Remus. 

You heard some steps from behind and finally saw both Sirius and James walk down the stairs, Sirius casually leaned closer to you and placed a fast kiss on your lips before turning to Moony. You realized he had some glitter on his hair and passed your hand over it to shake it off as he spoke “Ready to go Moons? Pete?” 

Remus checked his watch, and nodded “Yeah, I should probably get going, I’ll see you guys there?”

Peter nodded, “I’ll stay here for a couple minutes more, I want to finish this pumpkin, but I’ll be there.” 

“Excellent, it’s settled then.” 

Sirius finally turned to you, since you were still fluffing his hair “You done love?” 

You shook your head “haven’t seen you much this weekend,” you said with a pout, not quite wanting to take your hands off his head. 

He smiled and tilted his head just a little “Don’t tempt me, I’ll end up staying.” 

You laughed at that, but you knew how important the marauder’s jokes were, so you shook your head “Go ahead trouble, I’ll see you at divinations, yeah?” 

He gave you a look and shrugged with a smile on his face, before giving you a wink and running out behind Peter and James, who had already walked out of the portrait. 

“You’re not planning to skip divinations, are you?” You asked Peter, who gave you an awkward smile in reply. 

“And Remus just said yes?” 

Peter seemed a little nervous at your question, but you didn’t quite understand why he would be “We…. Um— It’s very important business.” 

You frowned, a little unconvinced but nodded, deciding not to question him further, “Ok then, I’ll cover for you lot. I’ll tell Spellman you ate something at Hogsmeade yesterday and that you’re feeling dreadful or something.” 

Peter finally met your gaze “You’d do that for us?” 

“Of course I would!” You said, as if it was obvious “You’re my friends, I’d cover for you any day.” 

Peter smiled “You’re the best!” 

You and Peter cleaned the table and placed the pumpkins near the window before he left. Once he was gone you moved closer to the girls, both Beth and Lily were still working on their costumes, “Need any help?” You asked politely. 

Lily shook her head, but Beth responded “Yeah, can you pass me some of those patches please.” She said as she pointed at the table filled with patches, you carefully picked them up and handed them over. Letting yourself fall on the couch once you were done. You picked up the book Nina had lent you, the spicy novel this time, and finally started to read through it. You’d actually enchanted the cover since clearly it called everyone’s attention with the original one. Now it looked like a copy of a regular old spell book.

“Uh… I’m gonna feel bad if you keep studying while I’m working on a costume.” Lily Pouted from her place on the floor. 

You chuckled “I’m not actually studying though, It’s a spicy romance book Nina lent me, the cover was a bit extra, so I charmed it.” 

Lily gasped, with a smile drawing on her lips as she did. “You sly fox!” 

You smiled at that, laughing as you said “Oh… trust me, you’ve got no idea.” 

“And.. Is it actually spicy?” Beth asked, not looking up from her costume.

You shrugged, “Not sure, haven’t even met the main love interest so far, I’m barely starting the book. But I’ll tell you if it’s good.” You told her before going back to read. Every now and then they would ask you for small favors like holding the fabric for a second or passing something that was closer to you than it was to them. It was nice to just chill with the two redheads for a while. 

After some time Mary and Marlene came from the stairs, you pulled your head from the book and turned to the girls “Is it already time for class?” You asked, surprised.

Mary nodded “9:30, you see?”

“We should probably start walking there, in case the stairs decide to be funny today,” you said as you stood up. 

Both Lily and Beth grabbed their costumes and carefully sat them over a table, you wrote a small note and placed it over them, so that other Gryffindors wouldn’t grab them by accident, or after trying to admire them. Once it was done, you started walking towards the class, Tom caught up with you halfway there, and you all arrived at the astronomy tower with a couple of minutes left. Professor Spellman was already there, and a couple of students were pulling out their own telescopes as well, Tom included among them. The moon was already starting to. fade. According to Tom, who wouldn’t shut up about the way the BIood Moon worked “The moon will almost disappear completely before we can see it again, and when we do, it will turn red.” 

He seemed so fascinated by the event you decided not to tell him you’d read all about it on the pages of the divination book Professor Spellman had you read for today’s class. At some point a Hufflepuff boy walked closer to Tom, smiling brightly as he greeted him “How’s it going Tom?” 

Tom smiled back at him “Brilliant, I was just telling (Y/N) here about the mechanisms of the BIood Moon.” 

“Really? I’d love to hear all about it!” The boy said with a smile. 

You gave Tom a look, raising an eyebrow, he just smiled and winked in return, “Right! I’m sure Tom will know lots about it, I think Marlene’s calling me. See you boys around!” You said, giving Tom a knowing look, and letting the two boys flirt by themselves. 

You were about to walk towards Marlene, when you heard the same howls from the time when you’d gone to the greenhouses with Lily, a lot further away this time, but the same nonetheless. So instead, you turned around and walked to the window closest to the sound. When you reached, you leaned over the edge just a little, to try and see better, but there was nothing but an endless sea of trees, wherever the things making the sound were, they must have been very deep inside the dark forest. Then you felt someone push you over the balcony violently, just to pull you back again with a vicious grip on your shirt “Careful, you may fall,” you heard Evan’s stupid voice as he pretty much pulled you towards his chest, you could feel his hot breath on your neck, disgusting, you wonder how it was possible that you’d considered him attractive at some point. 

You turned around quickly, forcing him to loosen his grip on your shirt “What the hell Rosier?” You hissed. He was not alone either. Severus was on his side and another boy, who you quickly identified as Mulciber. He was taller  with a tank-like complexion, that contrasted with Rosier’s softer looks as water did with oil. You stood your ground, even if you wanted to step back “Awww… did you have to bring your bodyguards along? Too scared to face lil’ old me by yourself?” You mocked, “Don’t worry, I can take Frankestine and Slimmy on any day of the week.”

“What the fuck did you just call me?” Mulciber said, taking a step forward. 

“Offf, sorry! Guess I should have used a reference a little more keen to your level of knowledge.” 

Evan scoffed, “Do you think it’s a good idea to make fun of him?” He said as he tilted his head, pulling back a little and giving the room a once over “especially without your boyfriends here to protect you.” 

“Please, as if I needed anyone to protect me from you lot. Barty’s fan #1, Lily’s simp and Mr. Big guy” you laughed “you’re joke.” Ok, in hindsight, maybe you were pushing it a bit too hard. But you were not going to let them intimidate you.

Evan grabbed you by the collar and pushed you towards the railing again, you grabbed onto the handle, knuckles white with the force you were using, but you eyed him with a bravery you didn’t know where the hell you’d gotten from. You looked around and smiled, people were crowding up around you “You sure you wanna do that, luv? We’ve got a bit of a crowd here, too many witnesses, right? All though, I’m sure you’d fit in perfectly fine in Azkaban.”  He seemed tempted to drop you, but eventually, he let go and pulled back. You smiled and straightened your uniform “Yeah, I thought so.” 

“This is not over,” he threatened. 

“Bring more henchmen next time,” you mocked with a smile. When he was gone, you turned around to the forest again, taking deep breaths to calm yourself down, and looking at the possible fall you could’ve gotten. It would most certainly be mortal. 

Lily pushed through the crowd to reach you, looking at you filled with worry once she caught up “What the hell were you thinking (Y/N)? All that bravado was gonna be worth for nothing had he actually pushed you.” 

“He wasn’t going to push me.” 

“He’s insane, he could have,” she argued.

“Not in front of so many people.”  You insisted, “Not without stupid Barty Crouch around, he’s the only reason Evan’s got anything against me.”

“That was the only reason,” Lily corrected “You insulted them out in the open for the entire class to hear.” 

“They came pushing me into the railing first. I was not going to cry for help.” 

“Ughhh….” She said exasperated, and then pulled you into a bone-crushing hug, “Just promise me you won’t go facing those assholes by yourself. Please don’t be as stupid as the boys.” 

You sighed and returned the hug “I will not  go chasing after them Lily, I promise.” You said, and you really did not intend to do it. 

Series Masterlist | Next Chapter

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Raead more Marauders Fiction

[halsteadlover]

Unexpected

*Gif not mine credits to the owner*

• Pairing: Jay Halstead x Female!Reader.

• Requested by @stu-machers-girl: Reader had known Jay since she’d first started as a dispatcher for Chicago. It wasn’t long until she’d developed a crush on the older man. She didn’t say anything since she realized he was dating Erin but then she left. She left and Jay got kidnapped; reader heard it over the radio. Hank texted her to say they’d found him and she left her job without saying anything and sped to the hospital. When she saw the blonde detective in the waiting room they got into a fight and reader punched her. She refused to leave the hospital until Jay woke up and laid in bed with him the entire time. When he woke up, in the heat of the moment her lips were on his in a moment.

• Warnings: slight mention of injuries and ‘violence’ (pls bear with me I can’t write fight scene not even for saving my life), cuss words. I don’t know, let me know if there’s anything else <3

• Word count: 8368.

�� A/N: so yeah, I got carried away, pls don’t hate me, I think that’s the longest piece I’ve ever written 😭. I changed it up a bit at the end, I hope it’s okay. Please let me know what you think of this? I hope you’ll like it and I already apologize for any grammar error ❤️ comment, like and reblog if you want, I’d really appreciate it. Thank you so much for your constant support, I love you all xx

It was hard.

God, why did being in love have to be so tough?

You thought it’d be easier to control your feelings. You thought you'd be better at pretending everything was fine, pretending your heart didn't actually open into a chasm every time you even heard his name.

You thought it was just a simple crush, a simple infatuation that – knowing it couldn't go any further – it’d soon vanish. But unfortunately it wasn't easy and you soon found yourself in a spiral of suffering and thuds in your stomach. Your mind knew there would never be anything but your heart didn't want to understand it.

Falling in love with Jay wasn't planned, you’d never imagine it and you couldn't even explain how it happened or when. It's those things that just happen without any warning.

You first met Jay after your first shift as a paramedic at Molly's, where your colleagues used to meet after their shifts.

You were sitting at a table with a beer in front of you, you didn't know anyone yet – except for the colleagues you had met during the day who weren't there – and you looked around, sipping the drink from time to time, wondering when you were going to start to feel that place like home.

You moved to Chicago a month prior and it goes without saying you underestimated how difficult it’d be to start a new life in a new city, starting from scratch.

Jay had seen you from afar, looking tired and disoriented and for some reason he had decided to approach you.

When you first saw him you felt the air being cut from your chest, you didn't expect someone – someone so damn beautiful – to approach you.

That stranger you soon discovered was named Jay found himself talking with you, asking you questions about yourself and why he had never seen you before. You explained to him that you had just started working and you found out he had been a detective in the Intelligence unit for about six months.

You were never one to talk to strangers, to tell someone something about your life on the first time you met them, but for some strange reason those bright green eyes and his reassuring smile made you feel at ease, and as the evening wore by, you thanked yourself for not deciding to stay home that night.

Jay was an angel to you, literally.

After that evening he promised you he’d give you a tour of the city, making you visit the most beautiful places and taking you to the best places to eat. You exchanged numbers and he also made you promise you’d call him whenever you felt alone and wanted company.

He also introduced you to the rest of his team, as well as his closest friends, and they were just as kind and welcoming, letting you know you’d meet several times even during work shifts because of criminals and things like that.

Three years have passed since that evening and Jay kept all his promises.

Over time he became your closest friend and you spent time together whenever you both could. You had become his anchor and he had become your safe haven.

You had promised yourself over the time that your friendship would never go any further – also because Jay had never done anything that could’ve made you think otherwise – but the more time you spent together, the more you found yourself falling more and more in love with him.

You’d never tell him about it, even if it meant crying nights where you wanted to do nothing but run away and forget about him. If it was initially bearable and there was your friendship to give you strength, seeing him with another woman broke your heart more than you ever expected.

Erin was a colleague of his and you had seen their love story born right away. You'd heard Jay confide in you about her, asking you for advice on her when they were fighting, and you were there every time listening to him trying not to cry in front of him. There were times when Jay noticed that there was something wrong with you, he knew you by now, but you always managed to disengage the conversation by telling him that you were just tired from work.

You promised yourself you'd always be by his side but seeing him so happy with her… Damn it, it was so hard.

You couldn't take it anymore, you were a walking disaster and all your colleagues and friends saw how you weren't as happy and carefree as you used to be. Sylvie, who was one of your closest friends and who knew all the history with Jay, tried to always be by your side, convincing you to move on, to try to open up your world and that you didn't have to cry for him forever.

She was right, completely right.

Because of this, you had begun to distance yourself from Jay a little bit, making excuses not to go out after work or limiting interactions during the shift to the minimum possible and not speaking to him except from a professional point of view.

This broke your heart, you missed spending time with him, God how you missed him, but more than him you had to love yourself and you knew spending time with him, seeing him with another woman only would made you suffer.

Jay had immediately perceived this change but he couldn't explain why. He had tried so many times to talk to you but you didn't want to tell him what was going on and it made him particularly tense and uncomfortable.

Even Erin had noticed his moodiness and she hated to know it was because of you. She hated you were always there, in front of him, in his head, always on the way, she hated seeing how much he cared about you, she hated the way he dropped everything and ran to you whenever you needed him.

She hated you.

And, dear lord, how much you hated her too. The feelings between you and her were pretty mutual.

You didn't know it, but you had been the cause of many arguments a thousand times between them. Erin wanted him to stay away from you, Jay refused to and always told her if she really wanted him you were part of the deal, take it or leave it.

You were at home one evening, resting on the sofa after a grueling work shift while watching a movie on TV and eating some chips. Sylvie had offered you to go to some bar and get drunk but you declined, not in the mood to socialize or even drink. You just wanted to stay at home and rest, hoping that day would soon be forgotten.

The ringing of your doorbell almost made you jump and you furrowed your eyebrows, not expecting anyone at the time. You placed the bowl of chips on the coffee table in front of the sofa and got up and as you rubbed your hands on your shirt to remove the crumbs from the chips, you went towards the door.

You expected it to be Sylvie but, after looking through the peephole, your heart skipped a beat when you realized it was Jay.

“Oh god,” you muttered to yourself, glancing at your shabby outfit which consisted of a simple pair of midnight blue leggings and a gray t-shirt.

What was he doing there?

“Y/N open the door, I know you're home,” Jay's voice came muffled through the door. For a moment you considered ignoring him until he got tired of it and walked away but you knew that would never happen and he’d keep banging on the doorbell until you opened it.

You took a deep breath, trying to calm yourself down and slow down your racing heartbeat, and opened the door after removing the chain.

Jay looked up at you, his features visibly relaxing as his eyes fell on your figure. Your mouth felt dry as your gaze traveled up and down his body for an instant, as if to accept that he was fine.

“Hi,” you muttered, your voice so thin you were afraid he might not hear you. Your stomach was in a vice and a flock of butterflies had exploded inside you. A wave of heat run through your body and you were sure the flush of your cheeks was comparable to a tomato. “Come in.”

Why were you feeling so damn nervous? He was always Jay, he was always your best friend.

But the best friend I love madly, added your conscience.

Maybe you were nervous because you haven't seen him in two weeks, avoiding him like the plague.

You opened the door and moved to the side, giving him space to enter and as he passed the trail of his scent hit you full in the face making you almost faint.

I can’t do this.

Jay sat on the couch without saying anything, glancing at the TV that was still playing the movie, waiting for you to join him.

“You okay?” you asked as your eyes noticed the way his face was screwed up in a less than happy expression. You tried to avoid him yes, for your own good, but the thought something might’ve happened to him was tormenting you. He sighed deeply, rubbing his hands against his face in frustration before glancing at you.

“I don’t know to be honest,” he replied, but without elaborating further “What about you? Why did you disappear for the last couple of weeks? I texted you I don't know how many times and called you a thousand times. Did I do something wrong?”.

The crack your heart made was so loud you thought even Jay could hear it from where he sat. Your brain stopped working for a moment trying to think of a response to give him that wasn't ‘you know Jay I was avoiding you because I love you and because I hate seeing you with that snake’.

“N-no, of course not Jay how can you think that?” You replied, moving closer to him and taking his hand in yours, instantly feeling a rush of shivers running down your spine. He glanced at your clasped hands and then at you, with an expression you couldn't quite read.

“I… I don't know,” he sighed, his hand caressing the back of your hand, something he didn’t quite realize he was doing “I just… I missed you.”

If your heart was already broken, at this very moment it exploded into a thousand pieces of confetti and colors inside your chest. It was as if you had been punched in the stomach, the breath cut from your lungs. It was so good to hear him say it but so painful at the same time.

You wanted to yell at him to not to say it again, because you knew his ‘I missed you’ wasn't meant in the same way you missed him.

“I missed you too so much Jay,” you almost whispered, smiling at the same time to mask the sudden urge to cry. You let go of his hand, unable to maintain that contact anymore without your stomach doing somersaults. The absence of his warmth was immediately felt but you tried to remain as impassive as possible. “What happened? If you've come here at almost midnight it's because there's something wrong. Do you want to talk to me about it?”.

He nodded feebly, taking his gaze away from you to the ceiling. He was leaning back on the sofa, his head on it as his eyes roamed the white ceiling as if it was the most interesting thing on the planet, his hands folded on his stomach.

“Erin and I broke up.”

You’d imagined anything, a problem at work, maybe a family issue, anything else, but not the words that had just slipped from his mouth.

You couldn't hide the shock as your eyes and mouth opened wide and you even felt guilty for an instant when the only feeling you felt was… Relief, joy. “W-what? How? When? Why?” You bombarded him with questions “I'm sorry Jay,” but you weren't sorry about what had happened. You were sorry because seeing him like that was painful and you would’ve done anything to make him feel better, seeing his beautiful smile on his face.

He brought his eyes from the ceiling to yours, turning his head to the side to look at you. He didn't say anything, he just looked at you. For the second time since he came over, you couldn't read his gaze and you would’ve paid gold to know what he was thinking.

He was looking at you and you felt as if a rope had been placed around your neck and your grip tightened by the way your breath was cut in half. He looked at you with such an intensity as if he wanted to read your soul, analyzing every inch of your face at the same time and in that moment more than ever you wanted to shrink to such a point you’d disappear from his sight.

He looked at you as if he was looking at you for the first time and you felt vulnerable, exposed and while his eyes were chained to yours for an instant you feared he could find out about your feelings for him just by the was his eyes were piercing you.

It was you who looked away first, unable to maintain eye contact anymore and fearing you might say something stupid if you continued to stare at him for another few seconds.

Your heart was pounding so hard you thought it would stop any second as you kept repeating yourself to stay calm. The blush on your cheeks showed no sign of fading and you thanked God that the lights in the living room were off and that there was only the one on the TV which, however, didn't illuminate quite well your face.

The sigh Jay let out made you look up at him, noticing he was still looking at you. But when your eyes ended up on his again, he was the one to look away.

“Don’t need to be sorry,” he said simply and you nodded though he couldn't even see you, “She left.”

For the second time another wave of shock went through you and a thousand questions crossed your mind. You couldn't say you weren't sorry, you would’ve been hypocritical to say otherwise, but you wondered what the hell had happened. How did they go from being the happiest couple alive to her walking away? For what reason did she leave?

It wouldn't have surprised you at all if she was the reason for the breakup, you didn't know her well – you didn't want to – but based on what Jay told you, she had a habit of running away from every fight and problem that came up.

“She always does, doesn’t she? She will definitely come back,” you answered even as you prayed deep inside with every fiber of your being that it wouldn't happen. You knew you were selfish, he was hurting but damn it, you were human too and you couldn't mask what you didn't feel.

He shook his head slightly. “No, I don't think she will,” He lifted his head, sitting up straight and looking at you again. “And for what that matters, I don't even care if she comes back or not,” he paused again, thinking about his words “But, I don't want to talk about it.”

“Yeah sorry,” there was a moment of silence where you looked at each other again and the way he was looking at you was making your stomach twist like a contortionist “But just tell me how you are you feeling Jay, I hate seeing you like this,” and you were sincere, although you didn't like Erin, you wished nothing but happiness for Jay and seeing him like this made you feel as helpless as few other times.

“I'm fine now,” he replied and he really seemed to be sincere “Really, I feel… Relieved. I just needed to be with my best friend now. You made me worry so much you know that?”.

My best friend.

You tried to ignore the thud in your heart. “I'm really sorry Jay. It was such a hectic time between work I didn't have time for anything else. I'm sorry I wasn't around so much.”

He shook his head again, as if to tell you not to worry by smiling weakly and causing a feeling of warmth to spread through your heart. “What matters to me is that you’re okay I… I really missed you.”

-

The next day you went to work with the dark circles under your eyes reaching down to your feet. You only managed to sleep a couple of hours the night before, having spent most of the night talking to Jay.

God how much you loved that man.

When you were with him it was as if the world around you vanished and it didn't matter how long you lost touch or didn't speak to each other, the moment you’d meet again everything was back to the way it was before, as if time had never passed.

You found yourself talking late, losing track of time, laughing and joking as always and it was times like this that reminded you why you were in love with him. Jay didn't stop smiling even for a minute and seeing him so carefree, even if only for a while, was beautiful. He deserved to be happy, always.

You talked and talked and talked until you fell asleep on the sofa in each other's arms. Only when you opened your eyes you realized your head was resting on his chest and his arm was possessively encircling your waist. You stayed paralyzed for an instant, afraid to make any movement that might wake him up.

He must not have noticed it.

You cautiously sat up and then brought your gaze to him, letting your eyes wander over his relaxed features and you let yourself go for a moment to your fantasy. A fantasy where Jay being there next to you was normal, were you could wake up every morning in his arms as he tightly hugged you.

During your work shift you tried to keep your mind busy, focusing only on the calls and the patients you’d be treating.

Two days flew by like this, with Sylvie doing nothing but tease you about Jay after you told her what had happened. You omitted he and Erin had broken up, this wasn't about you and it wasn't your call to tell other people.

However, you hadn't heard from Jay for two days, he didn't text you or even replied to yours. Only then you understood how he must’ve felt when it was you who didn't reply to his text and you promised yourself you’d never do anything like this again.

You were scared to death because he didn't usually disappear like that, so suddenly, and given the nature of his work you couldn't help but imagine that something terrible had happened and the more time passed, the more this thesis was confirmed.

Of course, you knew he couldn't always answer the phone, and there had been other times when, for example, following an undercover operation you didn't hear from him for even a week but in those cases he did everything to warn you first, reassuring you’d see each other as soon as possible.

This time, however, you had a horrible feeling, a premonition that was sadly confirmed by Voight.

You were packing up the ambulance near the end of your shift when your cell phone rang and Sergeant Voight's name appeared on your screen. Your heart instantly skipped a beat and you instantly understood something serious must’ve happened for him to call you.

“Hello? Sarge?” you answered almost immediately.

“Hi kid,” his hoarse voice replied “I hope I’m not disturbing you. It’s about Halstead…”

You closed your eyes as if those words had caused you physical pain, as if someone had hit you in the face. All the colors disappeared from your face and anxiety twisted your stomach.

“What happened? Is he fine? Tell me he's okay please,” you spoke frantically, getting out of the ambulance and closing it “Where is he?”.

You heard Voight sigh on the other end of the phone. “He's fine now, he… He was kidnapped but we found him. We are at Med's. I wanted to tell you before you heard from someone else. I'm sure he'll be happy to see you.”

You couldn't describe the horrible feeling that went through you hearing those words. It was like someone ripped your heart out of your chest clamping your lungs, you stopped breathing for a second and you didn't care how exaggerated that might be, but whatever happened to him you wished it was you on the hospital bed.

“I'll be right there,” you said and closed the call before waiting for Voight’s answer. You didn't even care about warning your boss, much less some of your colleagues watched you ran away like you were nuts, you just wanted to go to him, you just wanted to see him, make sure he was okay.

The car journey to the Med's was one of the most distressing and longest of your life. You nearly collided with other cars several times but at that moment the only thought that crossed your mind was Jay.

What had happened to him? Was it serious? Was he awake?

God please let him be okay.

You tried to swallow the lump in your throat. That wasn't the time to cry, to be weak, you had to be there for Jay.

You thought for a moment what would happen if… God, fuck, you didn't even want to think about it, you couldn't imagine it. You couldn't even think of not having him in your life, you couldn't imagine not being able to see him anymore, getting lost in his eyes, never hearing his laughter or seeing his radiant smile again. You couldn't even think you couldn't hug him when you were sad, stuff yourselves with food watching trash TV until a nervous breakdown.

You didn't even realize you were crying until you got to Med's and parked your car. You quickly dried your tears and ran to the hospital, where, in the waiting room, you found all of his colleagues. And by all of his colleagues, you meant everyone.

Erin Lindsay was there and her disgusted gaze was on you.

“What the hell are you doing here?!” she exclaimed approaching you threateningly. You didn't let yourself be intimidated, on the contrary, the mere tone of her voice made your blood boil in your veins. How dare she talk to you like that?

“Don't you even dare take one more step towards me. Move out to way, I’m here to see Jay,” you spat with venom as the others looked at each other unsure whether to intervene or not.

“Lindsay…” Voight called back, grabbing her arm but she jerked away from his grip, still glaring at you with contempt.

“Turn your ass and get the fuck out of here. I've had enough of you, I'm so tired of always having you around Y/N. Why don't you just understand he doesn't want you?!”.

“You seem to be very familiar with walking away and running away don't you? Isn't that what you always do huh? Avoid problems? You really got some nerve to be here after you left him,” you pointed a finger at her. “I'm not going to stand here and make you yell at me. You really want me to believe you care about him? You wouldn't even be here if he wasn’t kidnapped!”.

“I left him? Is that what he told you?” Erin let out a wry laugh “I can’t believe it. I really wonder what he saw in you. Seriously, look at yourself. You're so pathetic...”

A wave of anger shot through your body and before she could even continue her insults, your fist slammed into her face, causing her to flinch back. Everyone let out a verse of bewilderment, immediately intervening to separate you and Lindsay who were about to kill each other right then and there.

“Y/N! Fuck’s sake! Just calm down! Take it easy, it’s okay,” Kevin dragged you away, shaking you off your shoulders as if to bring you to your senses. You watched her walk away with Voight, one hand on her bleeding nose.

You knew the repercussions there would be but you couldn't care less because it felt so good. You've wanted to do this for so long, for the way she's always treated you, for the contempt she's always shown towards you.

“I'm calm, I'm okay,” you muttered, throwing your hands up in surrender and trying to ignore the pain in the hand you punched her with. “I'm sorry about this but… I have to…”

“I know that's not true,” Kevin chuckled “Go,” he nodded towards Jay's room and without having to repeat it twice you immediately went to him.

You entered the room and closed the door behind you, immediately glancing at the man lying on the bed and the sound of his heartbeats coming from the machine filled the silence.

Your heart broke into a thousand pieces as you saw his battered face, a purple bruise on his cheek, a cut on his eyebrow and and other one on the lower lip which felt deep and quite sore. But despite this he was still the most beautiful man you've ever seen in your life.

You approached him, keeping as quiet as possible in an effort not to wake him up. He almost looked like an angel while he slept, as if nothing could hurt or disturb him at that moment.

You placed a hand on his cheek, caressing it with such delicacy and lightness you were almost uncertain of the contact. Your fingers ran through his hair, a gesture you knew he loved and made him relaxed.

Your eyes traveled down his chest and only then you noticed the white bandage that wrapped around his chest. You tried to keep from crying. You hated it, you hated he was suffering, you hated you weren't there with him to help him. Your heart was tightened even more as you noticed red marks on his wrists, some superficial and some a little deeper, a sign that he had been tied up.

“What have they done to you?” You whispered and your eyes were on his face again, continuing to run your fingers gently through his hair. “I'm so sorry Jay.”

You didn't know exactly what you were apologizing for, you just did.

You stayed next to him for an indefinite amount of time, you didn't look at the time but you understood that hours had passed when the sunlight was replaced by the darkness of the night.

Will tried to convince you to go home and rest and that he’d call you for any news but you refused, you didn't want Jay to wake up alone in that cold hospital room. You knew how much he loathed them and you wanted him to see a friendly face as soon as he opened his eyes.

The attempt of Jay's team was also useless, when they understood you’d never leave until he woke up, they recommended you to update them on any changes.

You spent hours sitting on a chair next to his bed until you too were asleep, your arms resting on Jay's legs.

When he opened his eyes he found himself plunged into darkness if it hadn't been for the dim light from the hospital chandelier. It didn't take him long to remember what had happened, what had led him to be there. He tried to stand up but an excruciating pain shot through his chest, forcing him to lay down again.

This and also the sleeping figure in front of him.

A small smile was born on his swollen lips as he watched you sleep sitting on the chair that seemed anything but comfortable. How long have you been there?

He raised a hand and didn't even have time to rest it on your arm before you snapped sitting, looking around panicked for a moment. Your eyes widened to see Jay in front of you with his eyes finally open and the joy you felt in that moment was like nothing else you've ever felt.

“Jay! Thank God you're awake!” You exclaimed and in the joy of the moment you hugged him, squeezing him harder than you should’ve and letting a small cry of pain escape him “Sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you,” you pulled away from him “How are you feeling? Are you okay? Should I call Will?”.

Jay shook his head slightly, a small smile on his lips. “I am fine. Where is the bed remote control? I need to sit up.”

You quickly grabbed the remote from the nightstand next to the bed and handed it to him, watching as the back of the bed lifted and he settled into position so he could finally take a good look at you. “Come here, why are you so far away?” He patted the mattress and you didn't let yourself repeat it twice, sitting next to him.

“Voight called me…” you were the first to speak “But he didn't tell me what happened.”

Jay let out a sigh, flinching as a pain shot through his chest. “It was an undercover mission, nothing too difficult. I was supposed to exchange the money with the drugs and then arrest them. Easy,” he explained, “I don’t know how but someone of them found out I was a cop so they kidnapped me and as you can see they beat me up for the holidays.”

Your eyes filled with tears but that time you couldn't hold them back. You felt a whirlwind of emotions, fear, happiness, anxiety, relief and it was too much for you to hold back and you lowered your gaze to not let him see you.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Jay's voice came as a sweet melody to your ears “Please don't cry Y/N, I don’t like seeing you like this. It's okay now, I'm fine, it's going to take a lot longer for you to get rid of me,” he attempted to reassure you. “Come here darling.” His hands pulled you close as his arms wrapped around you in a warm hug. You hugged him back, being careful not to hurt him further, and let yourself go into a liberating cry, so grateful you still had the opportunity to be able to do this.

His lips kissed your cheek and your heart leapt in your chest at the contact.

God Jay you're killing me.

“I'm so sorry Jay, you shouldn't be the one to comfort me now,” you murmured, pulling away from the hug, still looking down. You grabbed a tissue off the top of the nightstand and wiped away your tears, still shaken from everything that had happened. You felt so selfish at the same time Jay was on a hospital bed and you were the desperate one.

“Y/N don't even say that as a joke. Look at me, please.”

You did as he told you and your eyes met his, triggering a sensation that was like being kicked in the stomach.

“I'm fine, okay? These are just bruises, they hurt but they will go away. I wish I could tell you it's the last time but I can't, it will happen again but I want you to know I’ll always find a way back to you, okay? I won't leave you alone.”

His words were like a snake venom and antidote at the same time.

“Jay… Please…” you whispered, tears still flowing from your eyes “Don't do this to me.”

A confused expression appeared on his face. “What do you mean?”.

You shook your head, as if trying to tell him it didn't mean anything. “I just… I was so scared Jay…I thought about losing you…”

Jay reached for your hand but a frown appeared on his face as he noticed, despite the dim lights, the swelling on it. “Y/N what the hell is this? What happened to you? Why is your hand like this?”.

Shit.

You withdrew your hand, moving your fingers slightly but not showing how sore it was. You had never thrown a punch before and never imagined how painful it was. “Nothing. I closed my hand in the car door on the way here, it's no big deal.”

You knew he’d never buy this excuse but it was worth a try.

“Do you really think I’m that stupid? Tell me the truth. Did someone hurt you?”.

You sighed. “You’ll hate me.”

Jay looked at you like you just sprouted a second head, really confused. “What? Why on earth should I hate you?”.

“I punched Erin,” you blurted out so quickly, wishing he hadn't heard you but when you saw his eyes widen so wide they almost popped out of their socket, you knew he definitely did.

“What? You really did it? Seriously?” He struggled to imagine that you could do something like that, you’d never hurt even a fly. “Why? Why happened?”.

“She started saying bad things to me and I got so mad so I just… Punched her,” you sighed “I didn't even realize it… I know I shouldn't have…”

Jay was silent for a moment, still unable to believe what you had just said. He knew there was bad blood between you and his ex-girlfriend but he never imagined you’d even punch her but he also knew, without any shadow of a doubt, that if you had come this far it was because you had a reason to.

“You hate me now right?”.

He shook his head. “Absolutely not Y/N. I mean, I don't like the idea of you going around punching people but I guess you had your reasons.”

You thought back to Erin's words and that was enough to make you angry again. She deserved it all right and you don't regret it even a bit.

“She's still your ex girlfriend…”

“I know.”

You noticed the way his expression didn't change a bit at the mention of her, he had no reaction. He was more worried about your hand then her. “You don’t care she was here?”.

He remained silent for a moment, observing you for a few moments and then shook his head slightly. “Not one bit, I told I wouldn’t care if she came back. I know it's a bad thing to say, but that's how it is.”

“But you were together until a few days ago how can you not care?” You were so confused.

“I’m the one broke up with her, after all. I think it's normal.”

It wasn’t but still.

It was your turn to widen your eyes and mouth in shock. Did you hear that right?

“What? Really?! I thought she was the one who left you.”

You never expected it, you really thought sue was the one who suddenly left him and not the other way around. You had so many questions to ask him but you didn't know whether to ask him or not, after all it was none of your business.

He nodded. “It wasn't fair to just go on with that relationship, not for me or for her.”

“And why’s that?” you asked, afraid to hear the answer. Your eyes were fixed on him and even with that little light they managed to shine and stand out. Your heart was pounding so hard you thought you were having a heart attack at any moment, the air suddenly became tense and every cell in your body seemed to be on fire.

“I…” he spoke “I have someone else in mind.”

Your pounding heart stopped for an instant and the thump in your stomach was such that you felt like you were about to throw up.

“Oh.”

That was all you could say. You tried to keep your expression neutral as if these short simple words hadn't hit you full in the face like a lorry. Being run over would’ve probably hurt less.

You swallowed the lump in your throat, biting the insides of your cheeks and pressing nails against your palms to avoid crying in front of him again.

You couldn't believe it, or rather, yes, you could believe it but you didn't imagine it would hurt so much. You couldn’t believe it was happening again. It was like Erin all over again.

Oh god no please, I can’t do this.

You wondered who she was. Was she someone you knew? He had never mentioned someone else yet you two talked about everything. Or almost everything.

You looked down rubbing your hands on your pants before standing up and walking over to the nightstand. Jay followed your movements with his eyes, watching you pour water into a glass before drinking it in one gulp.

“Do you want some?” you asked him, but without looking at him and keeping your eyes on the glass

“Yes, thank you,” he replied confused “Y/N… Are you okay?”.

“Sure,” you babbled as you grabbed another glass and poured some water into it. You handed it to him, never meeting his eyes. You couldn't look at him, not at the time. If you had done it you would’ve collapsed and you couldn't in front of him, you didn't want to.

He drank the water and the dryness in his throat finally went away, feeling suddenly better. He continued to look at you, noting how your head was turned towards the window.

“Y/N… Can you look at me please? What’s going on?” he pressed confused on your sudden change of mood.

You turned to him and gave him a quick glance, noticing the empty plastic cup in his hands. “Do you want some more?” You asked feebly as you reached up to him to take your glass but before you could pull away he grabbed your wrists, his grip both firm and delicate at the same time. You jumped, not expecting it, dropping the plastic glass on the floor.

“Look at me,” he urged but you refused, your eyes watering and the lump in your throat increasingly suffocating. A solitary tear slid down your cheek as he placed his thumb and forefinger under your chin, lifting your head and forcing you to look at him.

“Y/N talk to me please,” he whispered and his tone was so soft it was enough to send you over the edge. You lost control and started crying. He pulled you into a hug, wrapping his arms around your body as best as he could.

“No… Just let me go...” you muttered through your tears, trying to escape his grip. You couldn't do this, it was too much for you, too much to bear. You just wanted to run away in that moment, to be away from him.

“Shh, it's okay darling, it's okay. I'm here with you, I'm not going anywhere,” he whispered in your ear as his hand stroked your back in an attempt to cheer you up. But he couldn't do it.

This was all so paradoxical. He was the only person on earth able to understand you, to make you feel better with a single hug and with the mere presence of him and it was paradoxical because, at the same time, he was also the cause of your suffering.

“N-no Jay…” you stammered, pulling away from his embrace “Please let me go. Don't do this to me. Stop doing this to me...”

You stood up and walked away from him, wiping your tears with the backs of your hands. “I can't take it anymore Jay, I can't do this again.”

“Doing what? Y/N please come here. Talk to me,” he begged you.

Is he serious?

You shook your head and wordlessly walked to the door to leave, but when you heard movement behind you you whirled around to see Jay taking off the covers from his body and climbing out of bed.

“What are you doing? No! Get back to bed,” you ordered, your cheeks still wet with tears, running towards him when his feet hit the ground and tried to get up. He grabbed your wrists again, pulling you towards him and placing you between his legs. “Jay…”

“Tell me what's going on and I'll let you go,” his voice was firm and decisive and his tone hinted he’d live up to his words even if it meant trudging all the way out of the hospital.

“Jay for fuck’s sake why can’t you just understand? You really don't see it? You really can’t see I can’t take all of this anymore? You really can't see how much I fucking love you and how much I care about you! I can't do it anymore Jay, I really tried with Erin… I tried to help you, to be supportive… I tried but I can't take it a second time… I can’t…” You blurted out in the heat of the moment but slapped your mouth with your hands as soon as you realized what you had just said. You wished a hole would open in the ground and the earth would swallow you alive.

Jay was looking at you as if he had just seen a ghost and the silence that had invaded the room was almost deafening. You didn't expect an answer, you knew he wouldn't say anything, but God it was so still painful.

“Y/N… I…” he stammered, speechless.

“Jay… Don't worry, seriously,” you interjected trying to keep your composure even if you were feeling a storm inside “I know you don't feel the same and it's fine, I'm sorry for telling you like this…” you croaked, your voice broken by tears “But now it's better if I go... You need to rest.”

The grip around your wrists loosened and you took the opportunity to free yourself away. You took a few steps back, your heart heavy as Jay continued to stare at you petrified.

You were about to leave when, suddenly and against all your expectations, you felt a hand on your arm that made you turn around and a pair of lips pressed against yours.

Your eyes widened in shock as your mind tried to process what was happening. Time seemed to stop and even though his lips were touching yours so lightly it felt like they were just caressing each other, it was as if a storm had hit you full blown.

That kiss was light, sweet, as if he was testing your reaction but when you closed your eyes and returned it, that lightness was immediately replaced by the determination with which his mouth moved against yours.

His hands were on your face as you both let go and for an instant you forgot about everything around you, that you were in a hospital room, that a minute ago you had confessed his love for him. You wanted that kiss for so long. For so long you watched him from a distance and imagined what it would be like to have his lips on yours and now that you were really feeling it, god, it felt like heaven.

No image created in your mind could compare to the flock of butterflies flying in your stomach, to the feeling that kiss made you experience.

It was like thunder hit you, like an explosion of rainbows, like being electrocuted, like being burned alive.

You wanted so badly to find the right words to describe what you felt but you just couldn't.

Jay slid his fingers from your cheeks through your hair, deepening the kiss more and more, forgetting the wound on his lip and all the pains that coursed through his body. Your hands clenched the hospital gown he wore into a fist, being careful not to touch him even though your mind was completely racing.

He was kissing you fervently now, passionately, as if his life depended on it, as if he wanted to suck your soul out of your body. And that was exactly how you felt. If you didn't know him better, you would’ve said he was kissing you as if he too had wanted it for a long time, as if he was trying to vent all the frustration that had accumulated over time.

When you pulled away you were both out of breath like after a marathon. His hands stroked your hair before brushing your cheeks as his thumbs traced imaginary circles on your skin. His nose kept brushing yours and you didn't know how you managed to stand, your legs feeling like jelly.

“You didn't ask me who she is,” he whispered and if he wasn't already hurt you probably would’ve punched him. How could he say such a thing? How could he kiss you and then say that?

“Jay what the fuck...” you tried to walk away but he interrupted you.

“Ask me Y/N. Ask me who’s the person I always have in my mind. Who is the woman I left Erin for.” His eyes kept alternating between yours and your lips trembling and flushed and a little swollen from that impetuous kiss.

“Fuck you! No, I don't want to know! How can you say this!”.

“Shh,” he smiled slightly as his thumb traced the outline of your lips. How could he smile in such a situation and be so heartless? “Please Y/N. Trust me. Ask me.”

“You are such an asshole Jay, I can't believe this…”

“It's you,” he cut you off again and you froze, not believing you heard right.

“W-what?”.

“It’s you. You’re the person who’s constantly on my mind, you are the one who invades my thoughts from the moment I wake up in the morning until I close my eyes at night. I couldn't continue with her, I tried, I tried to ignore it, but you were always there in front of me, always in my head even when you weren't there,” he confessed “When I realized you were the one I want, that it was you who made my heart beat more than anyone else ever did… Fuck, I can’t even talk with you looking at me like this,” he stopped, pressing his fingers on your skin, as if to vent the built up tension.

“I realized it was you when the thought of losing you terrified more than I could even admit, when seeing her didn’t make me turn my stomach or lose my breath like it happen with you,” he paused, taking a small breath, winching at the pain “I didn't know what to do, how to behave with you, I didn't know if you felt the same and I didn't want to risk ruining our friendship and losing you, I preferred a thousand times to have you only as a friend than not to have you at all in life. But, shit, I love you too so much you stupid…” he sighed, his confession heavy in the air and at that point the tears flowed like rivers down your cheeks which he quickly wiped away with his thumbs “It was always you, always and only you and I’m so sorry i realized it so late, I’m so sorry I didn’t realize how you were feeling and made you suffer like that, I will never forgive myself for that. I don't want to see you cry anymore, I don't want to see a single tear come out of these beautiful eyes again, okay? I'm yours Y/N, if you want me I'll be forever and irrevocably yours.”

You didn't know what to say.

You didn't know what to do.

You have never been in such a state of total shock like in that moment.

A thousand questions crossed your mind but you couldn't find an answer to any of them.

“Jay,” you exhaled in frustration, still crying “I don't want to suffer, I don't want to go to sleep crying anymore, I'm so tired of this. I can't… I love you, god, how much I love you. You… You make me lose my mind, my heart goes crazy for you but I also know I don't want to suffer and even if I'm in love I don't want to keep my eyes closed and be naive,” you spoke, your eyes locked in his “You just got out of a relationship and I don't want to think I'm a rebound…”

“But you're not baby, I swear you will never be. You are all I want…” he urged “I left her because I want you Y/N.”

“Jay this doubt won’t make me live peacefully. The moment I’ll be in a relationship with you, I want us to start it without interruption, without risks, without fears, without ghosts of the past,” you retorted “You can’t imagine how many times I wished for this to happen, more than you’ll ever know, but I don’t want it to be like this, not when you got out of a relationship two days ago.”

“Then I'll prove it to you, I promise Y/N. I want you, only you, forever. I understand you're scared and I promise I'll do anything to make this fear go away, I promise I'll do everything in my power to make you happy. I don't want to give up on you, not now that I know you feel the same. God I'd let you get into my head just to show you how much every single one of my thoughts are directed only and solely towards you.” He pulled your hands away from your cheeks just so he could intertwine his fingers with yours, bringing your hands up to your lips and kissing both of them, you eyes piercing your soul with their intensity.

“You’ll be mine, that's a promise.”

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[mylo-space]

Never Touching, but Never Far

Summary: The king isn't used to having company on his mountain anymore, but he's not as opposed to it as he thought he'd be, especially when the company is familiar and not actively trying to be a menace. So, he and Macaque continue stumbling their way through conversations and hoping for the best. Title from "When the Sun Loves the Moon" by Reinaeiry, because I couldn't think of any better titles and this song has been stuck in my head all day.

Posted on Ao3: 2023-08-31 Word Count: 5,559

-

There was an odd thing that kept happening, Wukong noticed, where Macaque would just appear on the mountain. He’d been doing it since the fight with the Lady Bone Demon–never to Water Curtain Cave, of course–and he’d just exist there. Admittedly, Wukong had been wary the first couple of times it’d happened, but it seemed Macaque had no ulterior motive. At least, none that Wukong could figure out.

Every so often, with no warning or pattern, and only if Wukong was on a specific part of the mountain–the place they’d stopped to recover after the Lady Bone Demon fight–Macaque would appear. Sometimes Wukong poked at a fire long into the night, stargazing with no company, and sometimes Macaque’s lithe form would bleed into the clearing from the treeline, wisps of shadows solidifying into a red scarf.

It wasn’t like they were being friendly, Macaque never came without a dry remark or taunt, but they weren’t punching each other, either, which was a huge step forward in their situation. From barely tolerating each other’s presence to sharing the occasional sunset. From a distance, of course, Macaque never got too close. “So, is this what we’re doing now?” Wukong asked absently. “I know we’re being civil for the kid, but…”

Macaque hummed from where he lay on the ground. “I guess so?” Since MK had dragged Macaque kicking and screaming into helping them beat the Lady Bone Demon, the worst Wukong and Macaque did now was argue, but they mostly just talked, and on both accounts, the topics were never anything substantial. “Fighting isn’t nearly as fun with MK giving us sad, puppy dog eyes about it.”

The fighting hadn't ever been fun, MK or no MK, but Wukong wasn’t quite ready to confront that, yet. It felt easier to pretend he enjoyed the ‘frenemy’ thing they had going on. And he did, to some extent, it wasn’t entirely a lie. The banter was probably the most social interaction he got outside of training MK, and it had always been fun to tease Macaque, though the jabs had a bit more bite now than they did.

“You’ve gotten pretty soft for the kid, huh?” Wukong teased, and grinned at the warning scowl he got in return. “Aw, don’t worry, bud! Your secret’s safe with me.” Macaque rolled his eyes and turned over, laying on his side in the grass. “Big ol’ softie,” he taunted.

“Don’t make me come over there, Wukong,” Macaque threatened, though it was completely devoid of any malice, rolling so that he was on his back again and giving Wukong a half-hearted glare. “Seriously, I do not wanna get up.”

Wukong snickered, flopping backwards in the grass and stretching out. “Long day of scheming, Macaque?”

“I do other things, you know,” Macaque countered. “Picked up a couple hobbies over the years. Unlike some people, who spend all their time on a mountain.”

“It’s amazing that you have time for hobbies,” Wukong commented, closing his eyes and settling into the grass, “considering all the time you spend praying on my downfall.”

“Downfall,” Macaque scoffed, “implies that you haven’t already hit rock bottom. At this point, I’m praying on your burial.” Wukong snorted and blindly reached out with a hand to swat at whatever part of Macaque was closest, and he was met with something sharp and small colliding with his knuckles. “Hands to yourself, Great Sage. There’s a lot more pebbles where that came from.”

Hissing in pain, Wukong shook out his hand and tucked it behind his head. “Jerk,” he muttered. “Thought we were being civil.”

“I can be civil and throw rocks at you,” Macaque replied easily. “I’m a great multitasker.”

Wukong grumbled, “Great, big thorn in my side, is what you are.” He watched a few clouds idly cross the sky for a moment before admitting, “Being civil is so boring.” Picking up a rock and tossing it over the cliff’s edge, he asked, “Do you wanna go to the moon, or something?”

There was a moment of silence, then Wukong heard Macaque shift. “Do I what?”

“Well,” Wukong tilted his head back to catch a glimpse of Macaque's confusion, “when me and the kid and his friends were getting the rings, we had to fly up to the moon, so I built this rocket and-”

“Yeah, I heard,” Macaque interrupted.

“Oh,” Wukong blinked at him. “The kid tell you this story already?”

“No, moron,” Macaque said, “I heard. Do you have any idea how loud a rocket is? Could have heard you a thousand miles away without the four extra ears.”

Wukong snorted, “Alright, smartass, I got it.”

“Also, side note,” Macaque continued, “why are you inviting me to the moon?”

“Because I’m bored,” Wukong groaned. “And there’s a really nice lady named Chang’e up there and she doesn’t get a lot of company.” Giving a flippant wave, he added, “Plus, she’s a chef, so we’d probably get a good meal out of it, and- oh! The best part!” He held up his hands to indicate a vague, small shape. “She’s got these adorable bunny robots that I definitely don’t want to steal-”

“No! I meant-” Macaque paused, taking a slow breath. “I meant, why are you asking specifically me to go to the moon with you in your stupid death rocket? Just ask the kid, I’m sure he’d love to go to the moon with you again.”

Wukong huffed. “First of all, I got us to the moon and back, with absolutely no death. So, I think I’m pretty great at making not-death rockets, actually.” Macaque chuckled. “And, second of all…” and he found that he didn’t have an answer for Macaque’s question. “Huh.”

Macaque made an unsure noise. “Is this a trap?” he asked. “This feels like a trap, you-” There was a sharp inhale. “Were you going to throw me into space or something? Dude-”

“No!” Wukong protested. “Look, you got that sun and moon theme that you like so much, so I thought I’d take you to the actual moon, you stupid… moon warrior, you-” He crossed his arms with a huff. “Ah, whatever.”

A slightly bewildered, “What…” reached Wukong before Macaque let out a startled laugh. “Oh, there’s actually no ulterior motive to this,” he said. “You’re just being nice.”

And that- it didn’t necessarily bother Wukong, but he wasn’t sure how to feel about it, either. Most of their communication relied on barely concealed insults and argumentative banter, not… meaningful offers to visit the moon for a nice dinner.

“Aw, man,” Wukong covered his face with his hands, “that is what that is, isn’t it.”

At that, Macaque outright laughed. Not the mean sort of cackle that Wukong had grown used to, just a genuine laugh–at Wukong’s expense, of course, but still. “Getting soft on me, Wukong?” He hummed in thought. “I mean, I guess I could go to the moon with you, since you’ve so graciously offered. You know, if I have the time.”

That seemed to be as far as Macaque was willing to take the teasing, giving Wukong an out from the conversation. “What do you do in your free time?” he asked. “Still doing plays and stuff?”

“When I get the chance, yeah,” Macaque replied. “Been doing some work with my shadow magic, too. Decided to branch out a little in the last few decades.”

Wukong tipped his head back to look at Macaque. “Where do you perform at? In the city?”

Macaque shrugged. “Sometimes,” he said. “Haven’t done anything recently, though.” He plucked a blade of grass and held it aloft. “It’s been a while since I’ve been on a stage, now that I think about it,” he added, a wistful afterthought.

“How come?” Wukong rolled over and propped himself up on his arms. “What, you suddenly develop stage fright or something?”

For a moment, Macaque didn’t say anything, simply watched as the stripe of green between his claws swayed listlessly in the wind. “Nah,” he said finally, letting the breeze take the grass as his arm dropped to rest on his stomach. “Nothing specific. Just haven’t gotten around to it.”

The statement left Wukong with a choice. He could confront the very obvious lie, which could have potentially drastic consequences, or he could ignore the fact that there was definitely a reason that Macaque hadn’t done any more plays recently. “What was your last performance?” he asked. “Something Shakespeare? I know you were always a fan-”

“Actually,” Macaque interjected, “I don’t think you want the answer to that question.”

“Was it something weird?” Wukong tilted his head curiously. “Like, uh… what’s the one with the donkey?”

“Wukong.”

“‘Midnight Summer’s Dream’, or something,” Wukong continued, letting his chin rest in his hand, observing Macaque as he became increasingly frustrated. It was a fine line between what counted as banter and what would start a fight, and Wukong was rather comfortable in the grass. “Did you have to be the donkey?”

Macaque’s nose scrunched. “Ew.”

“Did you have to kiss the donkey?”

“No!” Macaque exclaimed, sitting up and turning to look at Wukong. “Look, first of all, it’s ‘Midsummer Night's Dream’, and second of all, no.”

Wukong shrugged. “I can keep guessing,” he suggested. “You have been on a moody streak the last few centuries. Was it something murder-y? Like- oh! Like, ‘Macbeth’!” He grinned. “I bet you’d make a pretty good Lady Macbeth.”

“I’d make a fantastic Lady Macbeth,” Macaque corrected, “but, no. That wasn’t it, either.”

“Dang it,” Wukong huffed, pushing himself up so that he was sitting, making him face to face with Macaque. Sort of. Face to face, from about five feet away, which was the closest they got when they weren’t fighting. He was surprised to find that bothered him, that he was closest to Macaque when they were at each other’s throats. “Well, I don’t actually know a lot of plays, so I’m out of guesses.”

Macaque chuckled. “You never would have guessed it, anyway,” he said, though it lacked the mocking tone it usually had. “Last thing I performed on stage was a shadow play I wrote myself. Not my best work, but it was alright, I guess. Got the message across.”

“What was it about?” Wukong asked.

And there was a moment, a flash of uncertainty, a furrow in Macaque’s brow, that made Wukong second guess asking. Maybe it was something personal. Maybe Wukong and Macaque weren’t at that point in their… situation, to be asking about personal things. Macaque had always held his performances close to his chest, even back when they were friends.

“It was,” Macaque said slowly, choosing his words carefully, “a story about…” The furrow in Macaque’s brow deepened. “I can’t-”

“You don’t have to,” Wukong interjected quickly. “I mean-” he stammered, because he couldn’t stand to see Macaque uncomfortable, but he couldn’t stand Macaque knowing that, either. “I didn’t realize your little shadow play was so terrible that you couldn’t talk about it.”

It was strange being so close to Macaque again without the blur of fighting, to see every minute expression so clearly, even if Wukong couldn’t quite place them. Something like relief, and a deep-rooted hurt, both there and gone before Macaque’s gaze evened, and with a scoff, he replied, “I’d like to see you write a play,” and they were back to banter. Crisis and conversation avoided, just like that.

“I bet I could.” Wukong wished he still understood Macaque as well as he used to. He could see Macaque’s claws toying with the frayed edge of his scarf, clearly bothered by something. Maybe a thousand years ago or so, he could have identified why, just by the way Macaque’s gaze drifted to the side or the way his tail flicked. “And I bet it’d be way better than yours.”

Another thousand words flashed between Macaque’s eyes and the twitch of his claws. He opened his mouth hesitantly, having a very clear debate with himself before replying, “Well, the kid thought mine was pretty good.” He shrugged. “Came back to see it three times.”

Wukong narrowed his eyes. “Ah,” he said slowly, “I see.” Not a shadow play. The shadow play. The one MK had reluctantly told him about in the back of Sandy’s van. A lesson, he’d said, and not a kind one, either. “You were right. I didn’t like that answer.”

“Told you,” Macaque was pointedly looking anywhere but Wukong. And he was left with another frustrating choice about whether or not he was confronting this. He certainly had a lot of things he wanted to say about the whole mentoring conflict they had going on, and most of those words weren’t very nice. But, then again, Macaque hadn’t been very nice, either.

Macaque knew that, though. There wasn’t a lot that Wukong could say about the situation that Macaque wasn’t already crystal clear about. It was harsh and cruel and unnecessary to teach a lesson that way when MK would have responded so much better to just talking. There was a part of Wukong that was so unbelievably angry, could spout off a hundred colorful phrases about how stupid and irresponsible and awful it was for Macaque to take MK’s friends and use them like puppets for the sake of a lesson.

At the end of the day, though, Macaque wasn’t going to do anything like that again, and they both knew it. Didn’t really seem like a fight worth starting, all things considered.

Besides, there were a lot of things that Macaque could say about Wukong, too, a lot of stupid and irresponsible and truly awful things. Macaque had done Wukong a mercy by never making a comment about his eye, or what had followed after. Of all the ways Macaque could have gotten MK on his side, revealing what’d happened to his face might have been the easiest, and easy to prove, thanks to the scar he kept hidden behind his magic.

And yet, for reasons that Wukong hadn’t figured out for the immortal life of him, Macaque… hadn’t. Despite how much he hated Wukong, Macaque had resorted to trickery and shadow plays to get through to MK, when the truth of what had happened between them might have actually been more efficient in getting the kid to stop trusting him.

If Macaque could watch a sunset with the guy that blinded him, Wukong supposed he could let the shadow play thing slide. He’d have a talk with MK about it some other time to see where the kid stood about the whole thing, since that was the only opinion on the situation that mattered. For the moment, though, Wukong decided he was going to let sleeping dogs lie.

That did not, however, stop him from being angry about it. “Don’t,” Wukong said through a set jaw and clenched fists, “do that. Again.”

Macaque blinked at him owlishly. “I… well, I didn’t plan on it.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “You know, kinda thought there was gonna be more to that.”

Wukong made a face. “I mean, I’m not happy about it,” he emphasized. “But if I say something, then you’re gonna say something, and it’s just gonna- it’ll be this whole thing, and I don’t feel like fighting.”

“Oh,” Macaque shifted, “uh- good. I didn’t really feel like fighting, either.”

There was a silence between them, both of their gazes trained on the sunset. “Wasn’t that-” Wukong cleared his throat, “that play was a few days before the Lady Bone Demon attack, right?”

“Mm-hm,” Macaque hummed.

“Is that why you haven’t-”

“Why are you so invested in this?” Macaque asked, glancing up at Wukong with a furrowed brow. “You’ve never been this interested in my performances.”

“I’m not invested,” Wukong rubbed his arm awkwardly, “I’m just, you know. I’m making conversation.”

Macaque huffed and looked away. “Make different conversation.”

Wukong leaned forward a bit, trying to catch Macaque’s gaze. “Okay, come on. Don’t do the weird moody thing.” Macaque rolled his eyes. “Come on,” Wukong wheedled, “Macaque. C’mon. Quit makin’ the grumpy face.”

“I’m not making a face.” Macaque’s shoulder hunched, his face ducking further out of sight. “That’s just my face.”

“No, it’s not!” Wukong insisted. “I know what your normal grumpy face looks like, and that,” he gestured vaguely at Macaque’s expression, “isn’t it. You’re doing that thing where you get weird and pouty and-”

Macaque whirled on him, eyes wide in disbelief. “Pouty?”

“And!” Wukong continued, “You get all, like, squinty, and you won’t look at anyone, and-” He barely had time to register Macaque’s hand moving before something hit him between the eyes. “Hey!” Wukong furiously scrubbed at his forehead. “Quit throwing rocks at me!”

“Quit being dumb,” Macaque replied. “Don’t ask me any more weird questions, and I’ll keep my rocks to myself.”

“I wouldn’t have to ask questions if you’d tell me why you’re being pouty,” Wukong countered. “I just asked about your stupid play, and now you’re…” he trailed off upon seeing Macaque’s expression falter. “What?” he asked. “You’re making a different face now.” It felt like meeting Macaque all over again, sometimes. Every twitch and expression felt so familiar in some ways and so foreign in most others.

Macaque sighed. “It’s not about-” a frown tugged at the corner of his mouth, his eyes narrowing at the setting sun like it’d offended him personally. “It’s not about the play, Wukong, just- don’t worry about it.”

It was a clear dismissal, but Macaque was still pouty, and Wukong was still curious. “Is it about the Lady Bone Demon?” he asked, because it was the only other thing he could remember saying that might have caused this, and the glare he received almost made him regret asking.

And maybe he should have left it alone, but Wukong hated the brick wall that he and Macaque kept running into. Every time they approached something resembling a conversation, there was an unwillingness to press. Any misstep in the conversation could start a fight, or worse. But their situation couldn’t progress, either. Not until they could do more than banter at each other.

Wukong supposed that raised the question about whether or not they both wanted the situation to progress. He was sure Macaque wouldn’t be seeking him out if there wasn’t some desire to reconcile, but Macaque was always a lot more reserved than Wukong was. Reconcile required vulnerability, and that wasn’t something the shadow was very good at. Never had been, and the last thousand years or so certainly wouldn’t have helped.

“I’ll talk about her if you will,” Wukong said quickly, before Macaque could find something scathing to say. “Because I- I’d have a lot of choice words for that demon if she was still alive. I dunno if you’ve ever had a conversation with her, but she was so creepy. Like, I’ve fought a lot of demons, but she was-” he shuddered, “the worst.”

Macaque nodded slowly. “Yeah, we had a few… chats.” If Wukong hadn’t been looking directly at Macaque, he might have missed the way claws twitched and dug into the dry mountain soil. “Definitely the worst.”

“I know, right?” Wukong leaned back on his hands. “Like, what was with the creepy whispering thing, huh?”

With a tired groan, Macaque’s head tipped back. “And the destiny talk? I swear it was every third word out of her mouth.”

“Oh, don’t even get me started!” Wukong said. “She was like that the first time around, too. Right up until she got sealed away. And she didn’t learn a damn thing, either, because she came back with the exact same shtick. Easily the most stubborn demon I’ve ever met.”

“Really?” Macaque raised an eyebrow. “That’s some pretty high praise coming from you.” He laced his fingers together and stretched his arms above his head. “Didn’t think there was anything in all the realms that could out-stubborn the Monkey King.”

Wukong snickered. “Well, not anymore.”

Macaque leaned into his stretch until he fell unceremoniously into the grass. “Yeah,” he agreed, closing his eyes against the last few dying rays of sunlight, “thanks to our student and his friends.”

“My student,” Wukong corrected. “And, yeah, the kid did really good.” He allowed his gaze to linger on Macaque for a moment, the way he hadn’t let it in what felt like forever. Macaque looked different without the shadows and too-sharp smiles, washed in fiery sunset colors and a gentle breeze ruffling his scarf, a little more like the Macaque that he used to know.

It occurred to Wukong that he missed this–had been missing this. And he always knew, in a distant sort of way, that he missed Macaque. It was an old, bone-deep ache that Wukong had never quite gotten rid of, but managed to bury under just enough resentment that he could ignore it. Now, though, without the fighting to keep the ache at bay, he was at a loss.

“The kid ever visit you?” he asked. “Not for training, I mean, just- you know, because he’s a good kid, and that seems like something he’d do.”

“Sorta?” Macaque answered. “He makes the occasional noodle delivery, but he doesn’t, like, hang around.” Amber eyes cracked a bit, practically glowing slits in the sunset. “Don’t blame him, though. I gave him a hard time while you guys were on your little journey. And before the journey.” His nose scrunched. “I’ve kinda been an asshole since I met him, actually.”

Wukong chuckled. “Yeah, kinda.” He scratched his cheek absently. “Thinking about it, I was kind of a jerk before, too. Not as bad as you, obviously, but still.” And he had been, however unintentional it was. He was a terrible teacher, and he put MK in danger, and his rash decisions had nearly gotten the world destroyed. “And you were right, you know,” Wukong added.

“Usually am,” Macaque replied. “But, uh… about what, specifically?”

“I made things worse for MK.” Wukong fidgeted with his hands. “Worse for everyone, really. Mei took off with the Samadhi Fire, then I went and pretty much handed myself over to the Lady Bone Demon.” He laughed awkwardly. “I mean, you nailed it, right? It’s like you can hear into the future or something.”

“Or something,” Macaque’s eyes closed again. “Or maybe it’s just pattern recognition.” Something in Wukong curled into a ball at that, recoiling from harshness, the realization that he’d changed so little from the impulsive creature that had been chained under a mountain. “But,” Macaque continued, “you’re trying. I think the kid knows that.” He shrugged. “Tryin’ a lot harder than me, anyway. Sort of gave up on that whole ‘good guy’ thing a while back.”

Having expected Macaque to gloat or hurl an insult or two, Wukong was surprised at the response. “Really? The guy who single-handedly saved the Monkey King’s protege?”

Macaque snorted. “Okay, that- that’s stretching it a little bit.” He waved a hand flippantly. “I don’t think portaling MK away from danger counts as saving him if the danger ended up finding him again.”

“And the little girl you saved,” Wukong added.

“Again,” Macaque debated, “not sure if that counts as saving. Letting go of you and the girl gave the Lady Bone Demon more power to fuel the mech.”

Wukong heaved an exasperated sigh. “The kid was right, you’re trying way too hard to do the bad guy act.” He raised an eyebrow at the resting shadow. “But you’re saving small children from demons and portaling students away from their possessed mentors, which means you’re basically a hero.”

“Neither one of those things make me a hero,” Macaque scoffed. “It just makes me… not a monster. Which isn’t the same thing.”

“Nah, you’re just a big ol’ softie,” Wukong sang. “The Six-Eared Macaque, the world’s squishiest celestial primate!”

Macaque groaned and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. “Sun Wukong,” he retorted, “the world’s hardest head.”

“Uh-huh,” with Macaque’s eyes covered, Wukong slyly reached for a small pebble, “is this the part where you ramble on about how hard-headed and stubborn I am?”

“I mean, I feel like we already did this,” Macaque said, “but, yeah. You’re pretty damn stubborn when you wanna be.” Wukong took the opportunity to lob the small rock at Macaque’s hands, revenge for his earlier antics. Then Macaque moved his hands, “Actually, I think arrogant might be-”

Wukong’s heart rocketed to his throat, hardly breathing the syllable, “Wait-” before Macaque was suddenly crying out. “Macaque!”

He knew, logically, that the rock couldn’t have hurt that much. Macaque wasn’t made of stone, but he was tougher than he looked–had to be, to keep up with Wukong in the early days–but Wukong also knew it wasn’t really about how hard he’d been hit, it was about the where.

Macaque shot up from where he’d been laying in the grass, scrabbling for purchase and stumbling to his feet. With no sunlight to cast shadows, every inch of darkness within five feet of Macaque was reacting, streaks of ink black and glowing purple swirling in anxious circles.

Shadow magic was finicky, especially when Macaque was feeling nervous or flighty, and he looked ready to portal away at any moment. Wukong stood, taking a hesitant step in Macaque’s direction. “Macaque, I didn’t-”

“I’m fine,” Macaque interrupted, the words sharp and jagged. “Wukong, just-” With the hand not pressed to his eye, he made a frantic gesture to keep Wukong at bay, “just stay over there.”

But Wukong had never been a very good listener, and took another careful forward, hands raised so that they were in Macaque’s line of sight. “Look, I swear I didn’t mean to!” he quickly explained, desperately hoping Macaque would hear him out before making a portal to escape. “I was just trying to- I mean, you were throwing pebbles at me earlier, and I thought- I didn’t think you’d move your hand!”

“Wukong, stop,” Macaque snapped. “Stop getting closer, can you just- just quiet, please, I-”

“Oh!” Wukong took a breath. “Oh. Okay, I’ll just,” he took a step back, “be quiet. Over here.”

Macaque gave a jerky nod, hand still pressed to his eye as he turned away from Wukong. He probably looked a like an idiot standing and staring, but he couldn’t help but watch Macaque anxiously, shifting his weight from one leg to the other as the warrior stepped away. He could handle giving Macaque space if he had to, but he couldn’t watch Macaque leave again, not like this, not this angry, not when Wukong couldn’t do anything to stop him.

After a couple seconds of ragged breathing, Macaque straightened, his hands coming to rest on hips. “Man,” he chuckled, finally turning enough so that he could give Wukong a crooked smile, “remind me to not throw stuff at you anymore.”

“Macaque-”

“Wukong,” Macaque interjected, “seriously, it’s not a big deal.” He kicked at the offending pebble. “You think that thing is gonna scare me off? I’ve fought you, Wukong. You. And you think a rock is gonna be the thing that sends me running?”

“Well, I-” Wukong faltered. “Well, no. Probably not.” he shrugged helplessly. “But you, like, yelled. And it freaked me out.”

Macaque tilted his head. “It caught me off guard, dude, I wasn’t dying. I’m sure you and the kid have done something during training that freaked you out for a second.”

And Wukong almost protested out of habit. He was the great and powerful Monkey King, and he wasn’t allowed to be freaked out or scared. But, “When Spider Queen was in town,” it felt weird saying her name, knowing her fate, “there was a second, when MK and I were flying into the city?” He rubbed the back of his neck. “The kid got freaked out by some spiders and he, uh… jumped on my head.”

It felt silly, saying it out loud, but in the moment it had been a lot less fun. Of course, his young successor hadn’t meant to do it, just being a scared kid and clinging to whatever was closest, but feeling MK’s arms around his head had blinded him with terror for just a brief moment before he’d regained his composure.

“His arms were kinda,” he cleared his throat, “you know, squeezing pretty tight. I threw him onto a roof.” Wukong laughed it off as best he could, but he doubted it sounded very convincing. “I know it sounds pretty weird, but-”

“Caught you off guard, huh,” Macaque said.

“I guess.” Wukong sighed. “Look, I just- I know things are different now, and it’s all… really weird, so I was worried that you’d-” His hand trailed up to his forearm, grasping his sleeve anxiously. “I just didn’t want you to walk away angry again.” He quickly added, “I mean, we’re supposed to be civil for the kid, right?”

Gaze softening slightly, Macaque huffed out a laugh. “Ah, come on, Wukong. You know I never really leave, right?”

Wukong gave a doubtful hum, “Sometimes you do.”

“Yeah, sometimes I do.” Macaque crossed his arms. “And sometimes you’re loud and stubborn and throw rocks at my face.”

“You,” Wukong protested, “threw way more rocks than I did, in my defense.”

“My point is,” Macaque continued, “everything’s weird now, but it doesn’t have to be… bad weird, I guess. We’re trying.” He took a step forward, “Look, as long as you don’t hurt me on purpose, I’m not going anywhere.” Wukong recoiled slightly as Macaque offered a hand. “Deal?”

Wukong reached out a tentative hand. “Okay,” he said quietly, like he might still scare Macaque off by being too loud, too eager to agree. “Deal.”

A cool palm pressed against Wukong’s. “Look at you,” Macaque taunted, though thin, clawed fingers gave Wukong’s calloused knuckles a reassuring sort of squeeze, “Sun Wukong, making deals with the devil. What would your master say?”

And what would the monk say, if he could see Wukong reconciling with Macaque? “Probably something about forgiveness.” He wondered if his old companion would be proud of the amends he was making. Wukong liked to think he probably would be, or maybe just happy that Wukong wasn’t clinging to anger and hatred. “Uh- does this mean we’re gonna stop fighting?”

“I mean, we’re definitely fighting less,” Macaque said. “But I don’t think that guarantees that we won’t ever fight. We may be civil, but that doesn’t mean I like you.”

“Well, obviously,” Wukong agreed. “I don’t like you either, but-”

“Civil,” Macaque nodded. “Yeah. For the kid.” He glanced down. “So… you gonna let go of my hand or what?”

Wukong blinked. “Huh?”

Macaque jostled their still-intertwined hands. “You’re holding me hostage here, Wukong.”

“Oh! Right,” Wukong was thankful the embarrassed flush crawling up his neck and face wasn’t visible through his fur. “Well, maybe this is all part of my master plan.”

“Oh, yeah?” Macaque asked coyly. “And what master plan is that, oh, wise Great Sage?”

“My plan,” Wukong said, with a confidence that was quickly failing him, “to… uh-” Without giving it much thought, Wukong dropped to the ground, tugging Macaque off balance. An action that he’d perhaps regret, but he was willing to take that risk in order to avoid the awkwardness he’d created.

Macaque tumbled to the grass with a surprised shout, Wukong letting go of his arm and rolling away before the warrior could swat at him. “You!” Macaque exclaimed, claws swiping at the edge of Wukong’s cape. “Are so stupid, it’s physically painful.” He scowled as Wukong doubled over laughing. “You know what? I don’t want to go to the moon with you anymore, I’ve decided.”

“No!” Wukong rolled over and reached a futile hand to his grumpy companion. “No, come on, you gotta come to the moon.”

“No, I don’t.” Macaque settled into the grass, staring at the star-filled sky and pointedly avoiding Wukong. “Gonna build my own rocket and throw you out of it.”

“You’re no fun,” Wukong flopped on the ground–side by side with his shadow, and five feet from him, close from a distance–and went back to lounging comfortably and watching the steadily rising moon. “Well, we can just lay here and stare at the moon, then. Since you wanna be so boring.”

Macaque hummed. “Fine by me,” he replied. “I only come for the view, anyway.” 

Wukong glanced over to Macaque, whose gaze stayed fixed on the sky, eyes half-lidded and the closest to relaxed that Wukong had seen in centuries. Part of him wanted to be closer, wanted to tear himself away, and he wished he had the words to describe how that worked or what that meant. Macaque would probably have the words, but Wukong doubted that he’d be willing to provide them, trapped behind clenched teeth and walls of distrust that they’d hardly put a scratch in.

“Yeah,” Wukong replied, turning away from Macaque and closing his eyes against the soft light of the moon, basking in the sounds of the mountain’s nightlife. He was willing to wait however long he needed to for their words to come to them, at whatever distance he had to wait, as long as Macaque was never so far away that Wukong could not reach him again. “The view.”

[yanderederee]

Nerd’n’ShiningArmor

April2nd, 2004

Before… › here! › next! › …

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯✦

Ryoko teasingly asked her son, “why did I just get a phone call from the nearby vet asking for you to pick up a cat?”

Busted-

Keisuke never technically asked if he could keep the cat, but after a little sob story about how you cried over the poor kitten’s broken form, Ryoko found herself bending backwards.

She owed you a lot for all your help, after all. Caring for a disabled kitten wouldn’t be the end of the world.

Keisuke went to inform you of Sango’s release as soon as he could. It’d be easier if he could afford a flip phone or something, but face to face was better.

Just before he reached the front door, he realized.

..he forgot his damn glasses. He backtracked to his room, pulling the hair tie from his wrist and twirling it around his hair to pull back most of it. He wasn’t as picky as he used to be when it came to how slicked back he kept his ponytail, leaving behind a few bang pieces to hide his ears.

Baji slid the frames up his nose, and made his way out the door for the second time.

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯✦

He first came to your house four weeks ago.

In those four weeks, he’d walked you home once a week. He tried doing so more often, worried about who might be lurking in the shadows these days. And while it wasn’t his place to force his hospitality, you seemed adamant that he shouldn’t walk you home most days.

You were hiding something, and by the looks of it, the source was your home.

You get especially defensive when he brought up your parents.

He didn’t press about it, but even as time passed and he began warming up to your company, his concerns began to fester.

But he took his mom’s advise when he went to her for it: don’t pry. You helped him more than enough already, the least he could do was give you space and patiently wait for you to confide in him, if you ever so chose to do so.

Baji was trying to be patient.

There was an unsettling feeling pooling in his stomach when he finally found his way in front of your house.

Was there normally a car parked on the side of your house?

Baji paused. No, your house was definitely more occupied now than it’s ever been. Yet, it felt… haunted. Why was he getting nervous? He could turn around and not even deal with it. Pick up Sango by himself and tell you the next time you run into eachother. That’d be smarter.

So why?

His legs were moving on their own, and a simmering feeling of worry started to steep in his chest.

Why was he angry?

Why was he rushing to the door?

Suddenly, a memory of your fave came to mind. That’s why, he concluded.

That distant, far away look you sported at every mention of your parents.

He couldn’t accurately explain it, but knowing you were home with your parents put a weird, instinctively bad feeling.

Turning on ‘the boy-next-door type charm’, Baji’s hardened resolve knocked on the door before an actual game plan was thought out.

When the door opened, it was your form that greeted him, to his surprise. You were dressed a little different, and the way you moved was forced with more grace. But it was you, and he couldn’t take his eyes off you.

“K-Keisuke?” You gasped, starring into his glasses with a shocked expression. You closed the door a little bit, trying to hide a nervous flicking gaze back and forth before looking at him like nothing happened.

“What’s up?” You asked.

Every single word died in his throat. Gaping like a fool, he simply repeated the words he was supposed to say. “The clinic. They just called, said Sango’s free to go home. So,” he unintentionally swept his gaze over what little he could see in your house.

On Mondays, you’d invite him inside the house, if nothing more than to offer snacks or study late. The atmosphere of the house felt much different than it had in the past.

You seemed to grow progressively nervous, feet fiddling together.

Was it your father? Or your mother too? Trying to recall, he’s baffled to realize he didn’t know a single thing about your family.

You’ve never had the opportunity to own a pet before, as your parents are “allergic”. And, that they work Late. He knew when you spoke truth or lie, you were no good at hiding it.

For which reason are you nervous, right now?

Was it due to how your parents would react?

“T-that’s great..! Um, r-right now isn’t a great time,” you tried to whisper something to him, tiptoeing to inch closer and he helped your endeavor by leaning closer. “My parents aren’t in a good m-“ you tried, but the door swung open quickly, and you gasped as you were pulled in sturdily.

A man just about Keisuke’s height came into view, glaring behind the reflect of his glasses. “Who are you?” He asked quickly, quickly.

Keisuke felt himself need to respond quickly, all else meaning death.

“Baji Keisuke.”

“Why are you here?”

“I-I had a question. Y/n helps tutor me.”

“Why not text her?”

“I don’t have a phone, sir.”

S I R ? He’s never used that for any old geezer.

“Hm.” Your father narrows again, at you.

“How does he know where we live?” He asked you, in a much quieter decibel, but with all the same strict quick force.

“He’ll walk me home on nights I feel unsafe,” you lied.

“Why were you out at night? You’re always indoors by 7pm, isn’t that right?”

“Y-yes, m-most .. most days. I.. may have overlooked the time, some days.” You admitted while staring at the ground firmly.

“Typical.” Your dad rolled his eyes. “Thank you for being mindful of my daughter’s inconveniences. Please refrain from coming here again, though.”

“I’m very strict on curfew. What with all these biker gangs revving their engines at ungodly hours.” Your father looked Baji up and down dramatically.

He had never been more thankful to wear his school clothes. Baji tucked his canines back and talked a little more gently.

“That prescription seems awfully high for a man your age.” Your dad spoke with a definite air, yet stood at the door prepared for any feedback.

Baji faltered out, “I-I used to read a lot. In the dark. Messed up my sight really bad. By reading a lot. In the dark.”

You wanted to giggle at how lamecute of an excuse it was, but you held it back with professionalism. Baji noticed this. And smiled just a little bit.

“You seem like an okay kid, Baji. Now, if you’ll excuse-” before your father had the chance to close the door, Baji stiffly stuck his foot out.

Your father was not a fan of this.

The air surrounding them seemed to thicken.

“S-sorry, wait, I mean.. I still, needed to ask my question.” He shoveled out under sweat.

“… right, go on than.” Your father nodded and opened the door just wide enough and stepped back just enough for you to peek past.

Baji was stunned. He didn’t actually have a question.

“M-my mother has offered to treat.. you to dinner, as apprentice, for my better scores.”

Trying to Talking smart was hard.

The three of you were quiet. You couldn’t reply without your Father’s say, and your father was not saying anything.

“..D-dad, I’ve met with Ms. Baji a few times now, t-to deliver fruit gift bags as our family’s thankful gesture. She’s very kind.” You added to the statement, careful to hide your glint of excitement.

“She’ll decline. Your shirt is absolutely covered in cat hair. Fix that. Goodnight.” You father said coldly, before closing the door gently.

Both you and Baji were baffled at the encounter.

The only choice you had was to accept that for what it was, and talk about it later.

But Baji really really just wanted to swing the door open and give that high and mighty punk ass dad of your a clean uppercut. Alas, he held back. Especially once he caught glimpse of your waving figure in the closest visible window.

He smiled at your frazzled expression. He walked over quickly and quietly. You opened the window just an inch.

“I’m sorry about him. My dad works late a lot, but he’s always home on Fridays. He’s very picky with the people I associate, is all.”

“About Sango… I-I can.. figure out how manage, later …” your whisper dies low, and Keisuke nods.

“Don’t worry about it, mom said we could keep Sango. Told her bout how we found her and she cried buckets,” he chuckled affectionately. “Come visit her anytime you want, or to study… whatever.”

His last sentence caught you a little off guard, as you caught a sliver of his affectionate gaze, Behind the plastic rims.

“A-anyway, I’ll see you later.” Baji straighten up his glasses, and gave dramatic robotic like wave.

Like a lovesick puppy, you rested your cheek on your hand, watching him walk away at brisk pacing. Your Nerd is Shining Armor. ♡

Well, I was going to add more to this, but I think this is cute as is, and I’m getting into Angsty writing now so~ ❀

[cheiyunn]

Kimisute main story [１部 ] Part 3

Side: Fantome Iris

[Sharehouse]

Tomoru: I’m so sorry! I overslept!

Koharu: What’re you rushing for…?

Tomoru: Wait… I thought we had a group practice today…?

Jun: Because he had to go back to France, I thought Feli-san asked to reschedule the practice for today…

Tomoru: Ah…right… I can’t believe I forgot something so important…

Daimon: We’re all worried about Felix, but for today let's just relax and take it as a long earned rest day

Tomoru: Yes…

Jun: Both you and Koharu usually have problems scheduling rest days too…

Koharu: Usually when I’m off I tend to sub in for other people so as long it's discussed earlier on, I can be more flexible with the time

Tomoru: Me too. Ever since I moved to Dreadnought, in comparison to my old place it’s much easier to ask for leave

Tomoru: Resting is also a need for working so Mashu-san fully understands that too

Jun: Mashu-san… isn’t he like, really scary? I felt like I was turning to stone with one look…

Koharu: Don’t treat the head of our label, like some weird object

Koharu: I mean, he isn’t that scary, right?

Daimon: Whenever we have discussions, his points are always concise and easy to understand so..

Daimon: It takes sense that Jun is a little on edge

Tomoru: But Mashu-san is… really nice though?

Jun: Where !?

Jun: I feel like he’s always saying 「Why don’t you pick it up and try to do your work seriously」 with his eyes..!

Tomoru: That's more because of your personal assumptions- …well, its not above him to really think that way too so…

Jun: See ! See!

Tomoru: But I’ll vouch that he’s really not that cold of a person

Koharu: You’re being taught by him right? Since he’s both the label’s representative and GYROAXIA’s manager right?

Tomoru: Yeah. He’s concise and to the point, maybe sometimes its hard to get in contact when he’s really busy but when I do need help he’s always available for consultations and discussion.

Koharu: Well ain’t he a great boss!

Koharu: It's good that you quit that black company Tomoru

Tomoru: My previous job as a medical systems engineer was just as rewarding and important so there are parts of me that do miss it a bit but…

Tomoru: My junior’s got a strong footing already so I do feel like my work there is done

Tomoru: Looking back on it, maybe the transfer to Dreadnought was perfect timing

Koharu: If that's what you think then it should be a-okay

Koharu: Okay so, I was thinking of popping into the studio for a bit of practice. You guys wanna come too?

Jun: Sorry but didn’t you say that today was… a rest day..?

Koharu: We’re free to do self practice on our rest days right? How about you two?

Daimon: I didn’t schedule anything in particular but since I have the time, I was thinking of reviewing my purchases.

Daimon: However, I won’t deny I do feel the urge to do some light practicing alongside with Koharu

Tomoru: Same here… After I revise the schedule, I think I’ll practice a bit too

Jun: Wanting to practice despite it being a rest day… so diligent…

Tomoru: Are you not in the mood to play Jun?

Jun: Its not that I’m not in the mood… we did have practice originally scheduled for today…

Tomoru: Then… how about you accompany me practicing

Koharu: So, it’ll be shorter than our usual time but let's get to it!

Koharu: But before that…

Daimon: Food. Both Jun and Tomoru need to eat

Daimon: I have it all prepared so I’ll bring it over

Tomoru: Oh, I’ll help too!

[Time passes]

.

Koharu: It became night in the blink of an eye… well, for the next live we’re all set though right

Tomoru: I agree. We can just do one more full check during rehearsal later on as a final measure and we’re set

Jun: …I wonder when Felix-san will be back

Daimon: He did say it’d be for a few days. When he knows for sure he said he’d contact us

Tomoru: …I wonder if Feli-san’s uncle is going okay…

Daimon: I wonder too…

Daimon: When he got to call from Gilbert a day back he seemed quite somber

Jun: …I hope that he gets better

Jun: His uncle was like… a 2nd parent to him right?

Koharu: That's what I heard

Tomoru: Something in regards to his father passing away early on…

Daimon: It was when Felix was 17 I think

Daimon: Then after that he was transferred under the guardianship of his uncle or so

Tomoru: So that's what happened…

Koharu: …at the very least we can hope that the worst doesn’t come to happen…

[dedenneblogs]

Grover X Beckendorf Headcanons:

- Grover hangs around Beckendorf. a lot. the satyr takes exuse he can get to tag along with percy when he’s hanging out with Charles and only does so to eat all the scrap metal they leave behind, which comes in mass when it comes to Beckendorf; he was a perfectionist in his younger years, so there we always failed prototypes for Grover to chew on. It annoyed Charles at first, but after a while and getting to know the goat boy better he actually liked Grover’s company (he even thought it was kind of cute whenever his new friend would snatch and scrap metals that came flying over his way - wait that’s kind of gay- (POSSIBLE FANFIC IDEA???)

- Charles always tries his best to send iris messages to percy when his friend is on quests. percy unfortunately doesn’t note them because they’re usually just hour long conversations between a percy at 3:00 am who’s unable to sleep and a Beckendorf awake in the afternoon (cause of time zones) talking about girls, video games, etc. one time he was caught by Chiron late at night but the iris message quickly dissolved into Chiron stealing Charle’s call to talk with Percy.

- Silena was one of the first people to really recognize Charle’s discarded work (other than Percy and sometimes Grover whenever he wouldn’t eat his scrap, Silena was just more persistent and interested in his projects). the funny thing is that most of the time she confused his inventions for other things. example: Beckendorf makes a homemade lunchbox that folds for extra storage on the inside (actually one of Grover’s favorites that Charles finalized later in his years and gifted it to Beckendor)? Silena: “Ooooo! Is that a makeup kit?” Really, they were more friends than lovers. Silena had feelings for Clarrise, and Beckendorf was starting to realize a lot about himself when it came to Grover. But wouldn’t it be fun? It’d be easier. It’s what was expected of them anyways. (WOW! i’m on a role with this doomed yaoi!)

- Charles looks like he benchpresses, but in reality? he’s…(shudders) a GA(Y)MER…

- Charles loves to play the drums. as a full homemade set he can fold and carry from his home and camp. also has steel drums ONLY for camp (Ms. B doesn’t like the sounds it makes, it gets annoying after awhile). Him and Grover have duets.

- Before Grover went out on his quest after book 1, Charles gifted him a cup that had “The Best Satyr Ever” written on it (gay???1!1?1!)

- Tyson could see how gay Charles was for Grover. he has a voice radar AND gaydar which is unfortunate for Beckendorf. one time almost outed him to the entire camp when he said something along the lines of “you homo for goat boy?” In his heart he’d rather Charles be homo for anyone BUT goat boy, but he’s accepting (can’t spell cyclops without W).

- in an alternative (better) universe, Charles is along for the ride in the Sea of Monsters! but it sad lemme explain to myself: basically like Clarrise is given her own quest but Chiron and Dionysus don’t trust her, but more importantly her father, so have Charles, Silena, and maybe a few other campers go out to keep and eye on her. Clarrise catches on and tries to kill them probably distracting her from another event and shit goes down the drain. but like in the end everyone makes up and these characters actually get screentime! yay! victory! (also probably carry’s Grover like a princess. it awakened something in the both of them

- Grover is crazy good at just dance. Charles made another wii and everyone suggested him to download new games. “Can you install Super Mario Bros Wii?” Percy pleaded. “Does this stupid console have Halo?” Clarrise interrogated. “Oh, I just love Just Dance, it’s just great, BLAHAHAHA!” Grover humored. Just Dance was on Charle’s second homemade wii in a matter of minutes, and in stayed in his cabin so that when they could, him and Grover could just be together as two (either way Charlie isn’t the best at Just Dancd, Grover is too good but Beckendorf doesn’t mind watching him).

- When Grover called Beckendorf Charles for the first time, he didn’t correct him. A few minutes later another camper called him Charlie and he corrected them.

[letsbenditlikebennett]

TIMING: Some time after Alex got ouched by that hunter and before Rhett kidnapped Ariadne in his van. (Rude of him tbh :/ ) PARTIES: @ariadnewhitlock & @letsbenditlikebennett SUMMARY: Ariadne comes over to the cabin with snacks and to keep Alex company. They watch Daisy Jones & the Six. CONTENT: Just a sweet lil thread.

In hindsight, it seemed painfully obvious that Alex wouldn’t get a normal birthday party like every other young twenty-something who didn’t moonlight as a lupine monster three nights a month. If anything, the birthday plans only made it more difficult in the aftermath of her run-in with the hunter. There wasn’t really a super chill way to say ‘hey, sorry! I have to cancel that party because I was attacked by a hunter and have to recover’ to all her friends. At least the ones in the know could get a partial version of the truth, but for the others the vague excuse of a medical emergency had to do. Even then, it may not have been a good enough excuse. At least not for someone as sweet as Ariadne who thought she deserved some company and snacks in the wake of her medical emergency. What had she even told Ariadne? Power tool accident? Maybe it’d be best to just not mention even if the limp in her step made the fact there was an ordeal fairly obvious. 

It wasn’t like she could just yell out when she heard Ariadne’s footsteps approaching like she had with Cass. The whole super-hearing thing would be creepy without that context… or a dead giveaway. So Alex waited patiently for the knock on her door before moving away from her spot on the couch to open it. “Hey,” she greeted with a smile that she hoped didn’t look as pained as her body felt. 

“Welcome to la maison de Bennett,” she joked, “It’s small, but we’ve got a smart TV and a Hulu/Disney Plus bundle subscription. Come in, make yourself comfortable. Can I get you anything to drink? Once I sit back down on the couch, I’ll be pretty stationary for a while.” 

—

She was thoroughly done with her friends getting kidnapped or injured. Or having medical emergencies, which was what had happened to Alex. Ariadne didn’t know enough about medical things to help her in any real way, and so offering to be company and give snacks was the best she could manage.

Thankfully, Alex was more than accepting of what Ariadne’d had to offer, and so there was at least that worry off her chest (though admittedly, she felt selfish for even somewhat having had anxiety about anything when her friend had just had some sort of real actual emergency).

“Hey.” She offered her friend a gentle smile.

“It’s your home, I don’t care about the size.” Ariadne offered, “all I mean is, I’m here for you, not your stuff. I can get myself stuff to drink, if you want. But if you have a soda, I’ll take that. Or go get that for myself. Can I get you anything?”

—

“Of course you don’t,” Alex laughed as if it should have been obvious because shouldn’t it have been? Ariadne was never judgmental and was continually kind to everyone she met. It was something she admired about her friend even if she wished Aria stuck up for herself a little bit more. The block button was a friend, too, and she’d remind Aria of that if anyone dared to give her a hard time. “Not sure why I gave you of all people the disclaimer. We have our only judge people for being mean thing which I think is a good motto.” 

Given she wasn’t speaking to Andy and she was doing her damnedest to push Kaden away, the werewolf found she was particularly lonely whenever Cass wasn’t there. Alex found it a bit easier to relax into her spot on the couch knowing that Ariadne was there and she’d have some reprieve from her own thoughts which had grown far too loud for her liking. 

“We have plenty of soda in the fridge,” Alex exclaimed, “There’s Coke, root beer, creme soda, Dr. Pepper, Sprite, sparkling water, Baja Blast… you can grab whatever. I’ll take a Coke if you don’t mind grabbing me one while you’re in there.” 

She hated not being able to be a better host, but deep down, Alex knew that her friend didn’t mind grabbing her own drink or about hosting duties that the werewolf wasn’t able to perform. Aria was there just to be there. “I downloaded all of Daisy Jones and the Six off Amazon Prime,” she told her friend with a smile and patted the sea next to her on the couch, “Have you seen it? It’s totally fictional, but it’s like loosely based on the story of Fleetwood Mac so I thought you might enjoy it.” 

—

“I just – I don’t want you to think I’m going to go around judging you and stuff is all.” Not that Ariadne though Alex would automatically assume that, but it was better to just play it safe from the get-go, so as to limit the likelihood of things being misconstrued. Or maybe that was just the anxiety talking. That much of her anxiety had been around even before she died, so even if she wanted to blame it on becoming a monster, she couldn’t. “I think that’s a super duper good motto, yeah.”

She offered her friend a small shrug. “It’s nice to be here.” Which she’d probably already said and probably didn’t need repeating, but she wanted to highlight this. How good being around Alex felt.

“Dr. Pepper’s a win for me, always. Of course, I might put some ice in a glass if you’d like that? Make it… well, I don’t know if that counts as fancy, but you get what I mean. I hope.” Ariadne let out a halfway sort of a laugh, feeling awkward for a moment, if only because this was time for Alex, and not time for Ariadne to be taking up excessive space or making a total fool of herself.

“I actually have,” she buried her face in her hands for a moment, “but it’s super good and I’ve been meaning for a rewatch. Camila in it is so dreamy. I mean, to be fair, they all are, but…”

—

“I don't,” Alex assured. Surprisingly enough, she found that she meant it, too. Not once since she had met Ariadne had the werewolf ever felt judged and this moment was no different. Given, her friend didn't know everything there was to know about her and may have ran the other way if she knew she was a werewolf, but maybe she wouldn't. She seemed pretty big on the not judging people thing. ”It is,“ she smiled.

“I mean, she's a doctor,” Alex  joked, ”How could she not win? We love a well-educated... soft drink?“ She laughed a bit at how ridiculous her own joke was and gently smoothed over Puppyeye's fur as she stirred in her sleep. ”If you get out a couple of the wine glasses my cousin bought, I think it totally counts as fancy. I think there's actual glasses now, too... apparently everything isn't meant to be drank out of coffee mugs. Who knew?“

She knew, but they'd always been tight on money, so excess containers to hold their beverages seemed a little bit silly. Alex guessed that wasn't really the case anymore, but part of her still enjoyed her coffee mugs best. 

Alex kept her face from falling when Aria mentioned that she'd seen the show. She supposed she shouldn't be surprised since Aria had been the one to introduce her to Fleetwood Mac in the first place, but she found herself grinning when her friend seemed happy to rewatch. 

“A rewatch it is then,” she exclaimed, “With a super dreamy cast at that.” She nudged some blankets towards where Ariadne would be sitting and waiting for her friend to join in the spot beside her. “Did you read the book, too?” She knew the answer was probably yes, but it'd be nice to know how much the show followed the book. 

—

“Well, I’m glad you don’t.” She was, really. Exceptionally so, Ariadne found herself thinking. Alex was nice and cool and kind, and it was through pure luck that the two of them had met, and she was grateful for that, even if the fact that Alex wasn’t feeling well made her feel a bit (or more than a bit) down.

“Pretty impressive for a soft drink, yeah. I don’t know if any of the other ones have degrees, but I also don’t want to be rude and assume one way or the other.” Ariadne watched the dog twitch in her sleep. “Um – I – Puppyeye might be happier elsewhere? If – if that’s okay.” So that Ariadne didn’t ruin everything because of what she was, and because animals could tell that she was bad. “Coffee mugs are perfect, though, but fancy wine glasses sounds like a fun way to have soda, yeah!” She nodded, enthusiastically. “Also like, you can eat ice cream out of coffee mugs too, so they’re multi-use and get to have fun pictures on them, sometimes.”

Another nod. “Yes! It’ll be just as good as watching it for the first time, though. Because you’re totally right, the cast are all wildly dreamy. Do you have a favorite? Like, dreamiest one? I – only if you wanna share.” Ariadne wasn’t sure if that was too weird to ask, but she’d asked it already and so, she supposed, there was no real turning back now. “I did – well, I listened to it on audiobook, which was such a good way to read it.”

—

“I think it’s safe to say they’d throw doctor in the name if they were doctors,” Alex replied playfully, “That’d be a major marketing bag fumble if they weren’t throwing that in the name. So Dr. Pepper is clearly the genius of soft drinks. And delicious, which is the most important thing.” She heard a soft whimper in her head and saw Puppyeye twitching in her sleep. When Aria spoke, something clicked as she remembered her friend didn’t do too well around pets… and didn’t have a discernible heartbeat. “Oh, right,” she nodded and carefully lifted herself from the couch. 

“Here girl,” Alex lightly patted against her good leg for the puppy to follow to their room. Once the puppy was cozy in her bed, she shut the door quietly and made her way slowly back out to the living room, trying not to grimace with each step. She called out from the hallway, “Wine glasses it is.” 

She made an effort to not look towards the kitchen as she positioned herself back on the couch. While Alex has her suspicions about what Aria might be, she wasn’t sure she was ready to dive into the whole story of what happened with the hunter. She was tired of explaining… and mostly just tired. Soda and snacks and Daisy Jones sounded better than any of that. 

“We love a dreamy cast,” Alex smirked as Aria joined her on the couch, “I think we’re set up for the perfect afternoon of watching a whole season of a show. We’ve got soft drinks, candy, salty snacks… I can probably convince my cousin to bring home a pizza later.” She found herself cozying into the blankets as she pressed play and let herself be taken away by the story on the screen with the quiet and comforting presence of a good friend next to her. It was exactly the kind of afternoon she needed and she felt lucky to have a friend like Ariadne to spend it with. 

[lovevalley45]

first day jitters

a/n: i was puttering around in my docs and found this WIP that i doubt i will ever finish. i wrote this last june and haven't touched it since. however, i am very fond of the idea and these two scenes, so i'm putting it out into the world. it's behrastra, private school au, inspired by a different fic i tried writing years ago. enjoy!

The start of the school year was always something Astra looked forward to. She wasn’t the nerdy type, even if she devoted a good part of her time to her studies. No, she liked that here at Hunter Academy, she was pretty much on top. Yes, she was only a junior, but among her class people knew to keep their place. 

There was technically another week until class started, but where the freshmen were stuck in orientation, the upperclassmen had plenty of time to do their catching up. Astra didn’t mind the extra week away from Lachesis and to get a headstart. 

She’d only arrived that afternoon and was already unpacking as she talked on the phone with her two long-distance besties. Although it was morning for Gideon, it was evening for Spooner. 

“You’re lucky you get another week,” the latter was saying. “I should’ve stowed away when you left Texas.”

Astra smiled. “The kids here aren’t any better, they just have money to justify their shittiness,” she told her. 

“And I doubt customs would have been too happy to discover a human being hidden in my suitcases,” Gideon added. 

“I think it’d take more than a couple of bullies to get you out of Texas,” Astra said. 

Spooner sighed. “Yeah, right. You can have New York and London to yourselves.”

As she hung up her last blazer in the closet, she asked, “So, Gideon, how’s it feel to have one year to go before you’re free from the burdens of secondary school?”

“It’s rather nice. Though there’s still all the tests and deciding which uni to go to,” she answered. 

“At least we’re free from that,” Spooner commented.

“For now,” Astra said. 

“Speaking of, I need to actually go to class,” Gideon said. “I’ll text. Oh, Astra, tell Gary I say hi.”

“Can’t you text him that?” Astra asked. 

She made a non-committal noise.

“Fine. Bye.”

“Bye,” Spooner added. 

“Sweet dreams!” With that, Gideon left the call, leaving the two of them alone. 

“It’s a little early for sweet dreams, isn’t it?” Spooner asked after a moment of silence.

“Time zones are tough,” Astra said. 

With perfect timing, she heard muffled shouting from her end. “Dinner’s ready. Call you after I get done with school tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” she said. “I gotta pass on a message to Gary.”

“Ugh. Makes me kinda glad I don’t do the romance thing. Bye.”

The call ended, and Astra unplugged her headphones. Her roommate Nora was absorbed in her book, earbuds in to block out most of the conversation. Well, she wouldn’t notice if she was gone anyways. 

She thought Spooner had somewhat of a point, but she couldn’t entirely agree. After all, what better time than high school for a harmless fling?

--

After barely a day at Hunter Academy, Behrad was already over it. 

If it hadn’t been for his sister, he would still be in LA at his old high school with his friends. But recasting him was apparently so much easier if he wasn’t around. Even if that meant shipping him to the other side of the country. 

Although his mom had offered to come with him to help him unpack, he’d turned her down with a slightly heavy heart. If people didn’t recognize him, they’d surely recognize her. And the last thing he needed was the cameras following him to where he was trying to get his break, as unintentional as it was. 

For as talkative as his roommate, Gary, was, it hadn’t occurred to him that he was a Tarazi as in Keeping Up With the Tarazis. He doubted it was the same for the rest of campus. That had still kept him back in his old pattern of hiding out in his room, except this time he had company. 

But just as he’d been resigned to this fate, there was a knock at the door, followed by a female voice saying, “Gary, I’m coming in.”

Behrad didn’t so much as hide as he slouched even more than usual behind his laptop when the door opened. Gary, who had been unpacking his monotonous uniforms, barely looked surprised. 

The tall girl who walked in was another student, and possibly the prettiest girl he’d seen on campus that day. Which was certainly saying something, given a good portion of the kids here had models for parents. Her brown curly hair fell past her shoulders and over her dark green tanktop, and even from across the room he could see the freckles dotting her face. 

“Hey, Astra,” he said. “What’s up?” 

“Gideon told me she says hi,” Astra told him. 

“Aw,” Gary gave a dopey grin. “Wait, why did she tell you to tell me?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know, Gary.” She glanced over and locked her beautiful, dark brown eyes on him. 

“Oh, that’s Behrad,” he said, turning back to where he was sitting. “He’s new.”

“I know,” she said. 

For a moment, his blood ran cold. Shit, was this girl going to be the one to expose him?

Behrad moved his laptop aside and walked over to her, holding out a hand. “Hey.”

She didn’t take it, but he could feel her sizing him up. “Hi.”

“You know, I was gonna give him the grand tour myself tomorrow, but since you’re kinda the unofficial representative for our class, you’re probably better equipped,” Gary said, getting up close to them.

He thought she was going to turn her nose up at the request. And as expected, Astra rolled her eyes, but she said, “Fine. Unless Behrad has anything to say about it.”

“Nope. Sounds all good to me,” he said, trying not to go over all the ways it could go wrong. 

“Okay. 11 AM, be ready.” She started to walk towards the door. “Oh, and welcome.”

As soon as she left, Gary let out a breath. “Oh, God.”

“What?” Behrad asked. 

“I tried to do you a solid there, but be warned, Astra is not one you mess around with. And you don’t look like the fuckboy type, but she does not play,” he told him. 

“I mean, she can’t be that bad,” he said, mostly trying to reassure himself more than anything. 

“When I started dating her best friend, she once threatened to rip my dick off,” Gary whispered. “That was because she caught us making out between classes, but point still stands.”

“Dude. That’s a lot of pressure for a school tour,” Behrad said. 

“I just want you to know what you’re getting into. I know that look.”

He supposed it was a good point. One of the good things about going to a new school was knowing he wouldn’t have to deal with his ex Derrick anymore. He always had a thing for the heartbreakers, as Zari told him in their rare moments of sibling bonding. 

“I’ll just be careful,” he told him. And after all the memes and mean comments, Behrad had learned to keep a good wall around his heart. He’d play it safe this time. 

[kellanved-ammanas]

PyroMedic Week 2023: Day 5 - Safe

It was unfair how hot the days could get in the middle of the desert. If Pyro was going to be this uncomfortably hot and sweaty it should be because he was playing with large fires and then the joy of that would make it worth it. The base’s A/C, struggling to keep up as it often did during the hottest part of the day, didn’t help much. The suit simply had to come off.

But… he looked up at Medic, sitting at his desk and working on paperwork – supposedly something to do with trying to obtain baboon livers from some reason. Pyro didn’t want to go back to his room. He liked hanging out here in the lab with the doves and Medic, doing his own thing while Medic did his. Yeah, because of how uncomfortable he was, he wasn’t getting much done towards coming up with a design for how he wanted to paint his newest flare gun so that was even more reason to leave. It was lonely in his room though. And dark because he’d specifically asked for the room with no windows.

It was no fair. If it wasn’t so hot he wouldn’t have to chose between company and comfort. He hated the desert. He’d burn it to the ground if he could… though that would only make it hotter but at least it’d be pretty.

He stood but had to sit right back down again as a strong wave of dizziness and nausea washed through him. Wow. The suit really, really had to come off.

“You okay?” Medic asked, looking up from his work. Apparently he’d noticed.

Pyro groaned as he put his head down on the table. Could he even make it to his room without throwing up. He’d done so in the suit before, it was awful. He’d also kill for some water so he’d have to go to the kitchen for that first, lengthening the time before he could breath properly again.

“Are you not feeling well?”

Pyro could only groan again. He had to go though as staying here would only prolong this. So he stood, slower this time. Even with that he had to put his hand on the table to steady himself.

“What are you symptoms? You can write them down if you are unable to talk.” Medic’s tone remained fairly casual but he stood up and stepped around his desk to approach. He hovered just close that if Pyro stumbled, he could catch him and stop him from falling, but also far enough away that he wasn’t immediately in Pyro’s personal space. “I can’t help until I know what’s wrong though, especially with the suit making it more difficult to discern anything for myself.”

No suggestion Pyro take the suit off though. He was always respectful of that, only asking him to take off when absolutely necessary. Even going so far as to let Pyro keep the mask on during surgery, the only times Pyro had taken the suit off around him. He was great like that so maybe… Pyro didn’t have to go to his room after all?

Before he could start to second guess himself, Pyro pulled off first his gloves, dropping them on the table. Next came the mask. Taking that off brought immediate relief; the air felt almost cool on his sweat soaked face.

“Oh!” Medic said as Pyro dropped the mask on the table.

Pyro didn’t dare look up at him, keeping his eyes glued on the table instead. “It’s hot. Help me take the rest off?” He wasn’t sure he could do it by himself without falling over.

“Oh… uh… of course.”

Being a doctor, even an unconventional one, made Medic quite proficient in undressing people. Making the whole process blessedly faster and easier than it usually was. He even helped pull the padding underneath off, leaving Pyro in nothing but a pair of boxers. He didn’t care though as he stumbled over to the sink to turn on the cold water and put his head and face under it. Tap water had never tasted nor felt so good.

“In hindsight, I should’ve known you’d be suffering in the suit in this kind of heat. I would’ve insisted you take it off much sooner if I’d thought about it.”

Pyro hummed an acknowledgment. Already he felt better. Not good particularly but no longer did the threat of vomiting and/or passing out loom so strongly over him. “Thanks,” he said as he straightened, turning the water off.

“You’re welcome. Now come sit down again. I have some ice packs in the freezer. They probably smell a bit like the other stuff I keep in there but they should do to cool you down just fine.”

Grateful, Pyro obeyed, walking back over to the table he’d been sitting at before and plopping back down into the seat. And well, as reluctant as he’d been to take the mask and suit off around others this was… okay. As long as it was just Medic and the doves, it wasn’t an issue. Maybe one day he’d get to a point where he was comfortable with the rest of the team but right now this was nice.

[f1shbonez]

❛ i thought you’d be here. ❜

Nothing made sense. 

The ghosts weren’t exactly helping, either. It was getting hard to focus on anything. The same recurring thought kept bouncing back. 

Vi. 

On any other evening Jinx would have made herself at home in Ekko’s room, tinkering away at his workbench or continuing to Jinx up the space one piece of graffiti at a time. But not today. The space was quiet- void of the tell-tale signs of her presence. There was no music, no mess, no stupid cryptic notes left lying around to find. 

She’d contemplated the Time-Out tunnel. That was where people went when they felt like this, right? But then what would everyone think? It’d be easier to stand on top of the tunnel and shout to everyone in earshot ‘I’M FEELING KINDA CRAZY TODAY! LIKE WAAAAAAAAAY MORE THAN NORMAL!!!’ 

…And then what?

Would they start looking at her differently again? Would they think she was dangerous? Bad? Start again with their whispers?

Jinx wasn’t bad! Not all the time, anyway! Ekko’s little bugs weren’t all bad once they learned to stay out of the way and be funny. Things were better now. Better with Ekko and the bugs. On the rare occasions where she got a little loud or maaaaaybe a tiny bit carried away in a game or fight did they sometimes get frightened still? Yeeeeah, sure, sometimes. But there was this strange new feeling that festered in her chest when it happened these days. Guilt? Shame? Ugh, since when did they have the right to make her feel things like that? It was totally an Ekko thing. Ekko got all sad and broody the moment his little fanclub felt anything remotely negative. And….rules could be sorta followed if the person making them wasn’t the absolute worst. 

Ekko and his band of bugs weren’t exactly a family. Not really. But the lousy faces that lived around the tree had kinda become part of the furniture. There were plenty more bad people outside of Ekko’s club that deserved to feel scared, anyway. 

So, where else could she go? The Timeout Tunnel was for SUPER bad days- days where nobody was supposed to come near you. Days where you didn’t trust yourself. This wasn’t like that. It wasn’t like she’d DONE anything. Not yet, anyway. 

It didn’t take long to settle on an alternative. Months of being treated like a big-shot prisoner made the option feel obvious. Her old prison! Sure, it was more of a room these days, colour bled into the once-plain walls with faces painted on her own mural. The space was familiar- or at least what it had become over the last year was. But the memories the four walls held were bad too- a tentative thread to times where everything was unstable. It had been lonely, spending hours in the small space. Frightening, even, with only her ghosts for prolonged company. Nothing but the memory of Silco dead and bleeding whilst Ekko and all his friends peered in at her like some circus freak. The Timeout Tunnel was a temporary measure. But this? This room? This was where the Firelights locked things that didn’t belong. 

Vi.

The thought bled back to the forefront of Jinx’s mind as she trailed a hand over the long-dried paint of her mural, mapping the coloured powder with a slow trace of fingertips. 

What if Ekko listened to her? Vi could tell him how awful she really was. Vi could tell him what really happened that night- the right way- with all the details the way she’d seen them. Vi could tell him why she’d been worth abandoning all those years ago, and then Ekko would abandon her too. 

Still alive after all this time? There’s no way she’s not mad at you. 

Mylo babbled, relishing in the prospect of a painful reunion. Grimacing, Jinx clasped her temples as an agonised whine slid through her teeth. It was so much harder to tell him to shut up when he was right. 

…If she waited this long to come back, you’re not what she’s here for.  

A second voice, softer and more concerned added to the fray, blocking Mylo out for a moment. Silco? Was that supposed to be comforting? Hadn’t Silco said Vi was dead? So, was Silco lying too?

Jinx paused, looking up at the face on the wall above her. 

“...You said she was gone.” She croaked, feeling her hand drop uselessly back to her side.  

Silco’s voice didn’t reply. 

The distant sound of approaching footsteps wasn’t enough to pull Jinx’s gaze from the mural. Neither was the sound of the door opening, and the brief pause that came with it before words. 

“I thought you’d be here.”

Jinx felt her shoulders sag as she turned to face Ekko, still feeling the tell-tale signs of upset littering her face. Would Ekko understand? 

Yeah, sure. Until she shows up. Mylo interrupted. 

Drawn in by the promise of a voice that might help things make sense, Jinx drifted towards the interruption.

“...Silco told me she was dead.” The confession was quiet, teetering on the edge of disbelief. Maybe Ekko would believe something like that, but he hadn’t known Silco.

[jojolovenotes]

Formaggio and 28 uwu

Meet Cutes: 28. mistaking the other for their friend and getting embarrassed when they turn around

You were supposed to be meeting up with a friend by the pier, but you didn’t anticipate it being so crowded today. Usually finding your friend would be a much easier feat than this, but you knew when it was crowded like this you two would meet up at your meeting spot. The spot in question was a small little restaurant by the pier which usually wasn’t that busy so you hoped finding them would be easy. Today was proving to be challenging enough… even the restaurant that usually isn’t that crowded had a line outside of the door. You couldn’t help but wonder what was going on - was there some kind of special going on? With such a great crowd in front of you, it was difficult to see what had drawn a big crowd. You decided to call your friend, at least they managed to answer you even if it was hard to hear them.

“Hey… Are you here?” you asked, having to repeat yourself a couple of times before being able to hear their response.

“...Yes…. Crowded. My hand… Do you see me?” Your friend responded, although some of their words are hard to hear you get the gist of what they’re telling you.

You begin to look around and look for a hand raised in the crowd. When you see the hand in question, you start to head in that direction. You’re hoping this is your friend but it’s difficult to tell from this point. When you finally make it towards the general direction you saw your friend’s hand you see someone from behind you believe to be them. You would know that jacket anywhere - it was definitely theirs!

With such confidence, you tap their shoulder still not getting the best look at the person in front of you but you know your friend well enough to recognize them from the back… Or so you thought.

“Yeah?” The guy who turned around didn’t exactly look too friendly. 

“Oh… Oh gosh. I’m so sorry. I thought you were someone else.” You lower your head feeling embarrassed by this encounter. You wanted to turn around and rush off, but with the crowd behind you it was difficult to get away from your embarrassment.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s too crowded today. It’d be hard to find whoever it is you’re looking for.” Formaggio reassured you, he could tell by your expression you must feel a little embarrassed just now. 

“Yeah…It’s normally not like this.” You laughed a little awkwardly, still looking down at your feet, “I’m sorry… My friend has a jacket that’s very similar to yours so…”

Formaggio chuckled at this, “Your friend has good taste. I gotta thank them for that.”

His words caught you off guard and made your cheeks feel warm - was it just your imagination or was that remark a bit flirty? You slowly looked up now, getting a better look at this guy. He was pretty cute actually - you especially enjoyed how dark his eyelashes were. It just made looking into his eyes feel hypnotizing. 

“Yeah…I guess you should.” You say with a smile, you sure hope he was flirting with you or else you’re going to want to try and turn around to leave the scene as soon as possible.

“Sorry I’m not your friend, but maybe you could stick around with me  until you find them? I mean, if you don’t mind. No pressure though…. Ah, that might be kinda weird coming from a guy you just met, huh?” Formaggio didn’t sound too shy about asking though - he was watching you carefully to see your reaction.

Of course you still planned on meeting with your friend, but if this cute guy didn’t mind keeping you company in the meantime you weren’t going to turn him down either.

“Alright, sure… I don’t mind. It could be fun.” You’re still smiling in his direction. Maybe going to the pier on a crowded day wasn’t such a bad idea after all. 

[carlageddon]

Is 3D Printing as good as I think it’s going to be?

After recently getting in to the old HeroQuest game with a couple of friends, I ended up getting back into the painting of the miniatures, then to make the games more interesting I started picking up some miniatures off ETSY. The more I looked on there, the more I wanted to be able to do it myself. I spoke to a couple of sellers on there, and they pointed me in the right direction.

So I spent some time, working my way through the minefield of “which is better,?how do you do it? What do I need?”. 

I narrowed it down to two companies. Elegoo and Anycubic. Not knowing where to begin I emailed them both with a few questions. I knew I wanted an ‘entry level’ resin printer, didn’t want it to be a cheap and cheerful, so it’d be rubbish, at the same time I didn’t want to spend too much for something that wasn’t going to be as good as I thought it would be. So I’m a perfect customer for these two companies. I want to spend money with you... help me decide how much money I spend. 

Elegoo were fantastic in their response. Someone went through what my options were, where to start, what they recommend I would need. Pointed me in the direction of some great resources and videos on how to get started. Where as Anycubic couldn’t even be bothered to respond to my emails and messages.... bit rude.

What they recommended to get started was the Elegoo Saturn 4K Mono LCD Printer and the Mercury X Bundle Wash and Cure Station. You can get them together for about $469 (that’s about £386 in the Queens Kings currency) plus a bit of resin. 

Let’s start with the Elegoo Saturn. It comes mostly built already. All you need to do is put the “build plate” on, then follow the instructions to level the plate, tighten up a couple of screw. Fill up the resin vat with Resin. Then put in the USB drive that comes with it. Select Print. Select the test print object and wait a couple of hours and it’s done.

Generally after anything is printed, take off the build plate, (Carl’s Tip: I always GENTLY move the plastic scraper over the resin vat, to make sure nothing has stuck to the ‘FEP’ (plastic sheet that sits at the bottom of the VAT) to know whether I have to drain the resin through a filter back in it’s bottle, clean the resin vat and top it up again), put the plate on an old tea-towel and kitchen paper, use the plastic scraper to gently pop off the prints from the plate. Give the Plate a wipe down, put it back on, top up the resin, and move on to your next print.

Those Miniatures aren’t ready yet, we need to clean and take of the supports before curing them (harden them up). First we need to get to the excess resin off the prints. We need the Elegoo Mercury Wash Station.

Fill it up with a load of Isopropyl / Isopropanol (I don’t know why it has two names) basically it’s 99% Alcohol. I wish I had this in the 90s as it’s great for stripping acrylic paint of over-painted miniatures !! 

I generally used about 2½ litres of it in the bucket... (Careful... this stuff is very very flammable.. as I found out... like super... almost burn’t the kitchen down.. flammable).

Pop your miniatures in to the basket and into the solution. Pop the lid back on. Let it run for 4 minutes. Take them out. They are reading for curing.

Another Carl’s Tip, I can’t recommend this enough, this one will help you out a lot. Boil the kettle. put some (deep enough to submerge your prints) a washing-up bowel (probably best if you don’t use the one you do dishes in) then put your freshly ‘washed’ miniatures into the bowl. This makes the resin, especially the ‘supports’ a lot softer. Then you should be able to carefully remove the miniature off their supports a lot easier. Remember the figure isn’t ‘cured’ / set yet - although they will be hard, just go careful. But this way you don’t have to sit there with ‘snippers’ cutting through supports to remove the model. 

Also it’s great, if like me, your wash station is in desperate need of emptying and fresh Isopropyl filling up again, it gives the prints a second wash removing the dirty resin. Just remember after you have removed the supports - put them on some paper towel to carefully dry them.

Then it’s time to ‘cure’ / set the miniatures. This is the Elegoo Mercury Curing station.

Pop your freshly printed and cleaned (and removed of supports) into the Cure station - for small (Warhammer size miniatures) I generally put them in for about 4½ minutes - then once done they are ready.

I am pleasantly surprised at how easy the printing process from start to finish is. 

I’m also (sadly) not sponsored by Elegoo - this was just my experience using what I brought (I’d love to be one of these people that get sent free stuff by manufacturers). I also never intended for this post to turn into a “Hows To” on 3D Printing for beginners.

The great thing as well, is there are so many fantastic and talented people out there who design their own miniatures that you can buy the digital files for (there are a lot of free ones out there too) on websites like MyMiniFactory.com and Cults3d.com.  You can also subscribe to someone of them, and you’ll get a load of miniatures each month. The likes of STL Miniatures, Great Grimoire and Daybreak Miniatures are some of my favorite for awesome fantasy style miniatures.

The Elegoo prints use a software called Chitubox which again, makes things very simple. Load your 3D file up. Add on Supports. Save to USB. Move on to the next one.

However. It does become addictive. I am printing out more figures than I can paint. The great thing is, you can load of a build plate full of mini’s and leave it to printing for a few hours and then when it’s done move on to the next.

 The next thing I would love to get in to is learning how to create my own miniatures.

If anyone has any questions (if anyone even reads this blog?) about starting off into 3D Printing and don’t know what where and how, drop me a message.

[shorkbrian]

I swear I ain’t in it for the money, but I can’t stop thinking about sugar daddy shoto. Maybe he sweeps a cute little college kid or barista of their feet, just something fun and casual. But this man starts falling harder, needing a way to lock them down to him. Money isn’t quite cutting it anymore, so he decides fucking a baby into her would do the trick. Shoto would push her down into the mattress, large frame twisting her into a sweet mating press. This way they could stay together forever and Shoto would have absolutely no problem providing for his sweet family <3

but fr tho I feel like Shouto is NOT the type for kids.

Mans will tolerate them when they babble or wave at him, but he very actively Does Not Want them.

Always uses condoms, and even though he’ll threaten not to, it’s never a legit thought in his mind to cum inside. Shouto doesn’t want to be a dad.

-----

You’ll be sittin on a park bench, fading sunset dark and pretty in front of you yet all you can do is cry. There’s not really any people around so it’s not like you’re bothering anyone - you hadn’t wanted to cry in your shabby apartment (half the cause of your worries) just in case you received a noise complaint.

“Are you alright?”

A somber, smooth voice is heard. You’re swiping at your tears quickly as you look up, trying to laugh off your state of distress. “Oh, haha, yeah I’m fine. Thanks for asking.” It’s hard to smile with your puffy cheeks and red-rimmed eyes.

The man in front of you frowns, hands in his coat pockets, scarf draped around his neck. “You don’t look fine. Mind if I sit?”

He’s already claiming the spot next to you on the bench before you can say a word, turning to you with a passive expression. “Why are you crying?”

And that’s all it takes to have you breaking down all over again, tears streaming down your face. Just one person offering to listen to the heavy burden you have to bear.

‘’M sor-sorry...” You sob, wiping at your eyes with frigid fingers, successful in doing nothing more but smearing tears around your face.

“Here.” The man’s taking off his scarf, gloved hands offering it you.

“I ca-can’t use your sc-scarf sir.” But he’s insistent, pressing it into your hands up by your face.

“I’ll just get another one. Keep it, you’re in need of it more than I am.”

The kindness makes another fresh bout of tears roll down your cheeks, but this time you're able to dab them away with soft fabric as you sniffle.

It takes a moment for you to calm yourself. When you do, you can finally engage in conversation with the man.

You tell him about your job hours getting cut, how you’ve been turned down or ignored by every single place you’ve applied at for a second job. How you’re barely affording to wash your clothes - you have to hang them or drape them across things in your apartment because you don’t have the money to pay for a dryer cycle.

And to top it all off, you’re still short on rent, despite how you scrimped and saved and even forced yourself not to buy groceries this week - you’ve gone hungry for the past three days.

“You haven’t eaten?”

You glance up at the man and his incredulous expression, shaking your head. “I’ve been trying to save money, I thought I could afford my rent if-”

“What kind of food do you like?” The man is pulling out his phone, swiping and tapping immediately. 

“Thank you, but I’m not-” looking for charity is what you want to say. Plus, you shouldn’t accept favors from strange men.

But the handsome man is waving you silent. “I’m cold, plus I’d like to grab a bite to eat before I head home. I don’t like eating alone though, you’d honestly be doing me a favor.”

You take a moment to process. Is he telling the truth? He sounds like an honest guy.

“Seems like the only place open around here is “Joe’s 24 hour Diner”.... You mind burgers?”

So that's how you end up in a booth opposite the man (”Shouto” he had told you as you both headed to the diner), munching away at warm food. It tastes so good, you hardly have time to worry about the man watching you as he eats.

You’d been shocked at his looks the moment you’d seen him in the light of the diner. Pretty two-toned hair, different colored eyes, perfect skin, expensive clothes. Why was he even talking to you? It’s obvious the two of you led very different lives.

“How does everything taste?”

“Delicious.” Is your response, and Shouto seems pleased, nodding before taking another bite of his meal.

Maybe it’s stupid... but you feel weirdly safe with this man. He doesn’t seem to bear any ill-intent towards you, nor has he made any comments about your body or let his hands or eyes stray. He seems like a gentleman.

Conversation flows easily between the two of you, even sharing a few chuckles at times. He’s some fancy rich businessman, you learn, and you share about your own life, laughing at the comparisons. Shouto can’t fathom growing up in a house with less than five bedrooms and a personal servant.

He asks for your number, and you’re hesitant in giving it - he surely can’t be interested in you? But he seems so sincere, it’s hard to say no.

When the two of you part ways, Shouto gives you a wave, “Hope to see you again soon, and under better circumstances.”

“You too! And sorry for being such a mess and stopping your walk-”

Shouto shrugs, cheeks beginning to pink from the cold air as you two stand outside the diner. “You needed help. I like to assist.”

-----

The next morning you wake to find an atrociously large sum deposited in your Venmo account by none other than a Shouto Todoroki.

Immediately, you’re calling him. “It’s too much, we just met. How can you give away that much money to some low-life?”

You hear him sigh on the other end of the phone. “You’re obviously struggling. I was wondering what your hours are this week, perhaps we could talk about this over dinner? Or lunch, if that fits better with your schedule. I’m flexible.”

It’s a few days later, days spent questioning yourself, questioning his intentions, before you see him again, both of you deciding to meet for lunch to further discuss... whatever had just happened.

“Was what I gave you adequate to cover your rent?” Are the first words out of Shouto’s mouth after you greet each other.

“Yeah, more than enough-” You squirm. “But I need to ask.... why?”

“Why?”

“Why me.” 

“Oh.” Shouto’s expression clears. “That’s easy. I told you a few days ago - I like to assist. I’m quite lonely, and it feels nice to use my money on someone other than myself. I think providing for someone brings me... I wouldn’t quite say joy, but... contentment.”

You contemplate his answer for a moment. 

“Well... you saved me with my rent, I don’t really know how to thank you.”

The man leans forward. “Well.... I know it might be a bit sudden, but how would you feel accepting me as a.... benefactor of sorts?”

“You mean like a sugar daddy?” Is your immediate, blurted response. You want to slap yourself for speaking before you have the chance to think about your words, but luckily Shouto just lets out a light laugh.

“If you’d like to call it that. I’m willing to provide financial assistance for you, in exchange for companionship, if you’re willing to give it.”

Your face heats up as you drop your eyes, fidgeting nervously in your seat. “I don’t feel comfortable with a... a sexual relationshi-”

“That’s perfectly acceptable.” Shouto cuts you off before you can continue. “I wasn’t trying to insinuate a contract of that nature. I’m thinking more along the lines of accompanying me at meals, sharing experiences with me, providing company and friendship to a lonely man. If it seems that we’d like to progress further than that after we get to know each other, well, that will be addressed then. For now-” Shouto meets your eye, dipping his head a smidgeon so he can look at you directly. “All I ask for is a simple, non-intimate bond between two people.”

This is crazy.

And yet you accept.

The situation may be wild, and completely absurd, but you’d be a fool not to say yes.

Shouto is charming and handsome, respectful, courteous - you could go on and on about his positive qualities. He just seems like a sad, lonesome man swallowed by work and responsibilities, too stressed and busy to put the effort into making friends the conventional way. 

-----

Months pass by.

You’re eating at every meal, sated and never going hungry. You’re able to move into a new place, one that doesn’t smell like cigarettes and sits right next to a railroad.

Clothes aren’t a worry anymore, you have your own washer and dryer in your new apartment (Shouto offered to buy you a house, or a penthouse at the least, but you couldn’t justify it to yourself). You’re able to afford new things, and pretty dresses, shoes that are comfortable and fashionable and that fit.

You no longer have to wear clothes down until they have holes in them. You’re able to go to the doctor’s when you feel sick, able to pay for health insurance.

Life is good.

Shouto is a personable man, serious, but he can be rather funny and even crude at times.

The doubt and thoughts of “Why is he doing this for me?” and “I’m not good enough for this.” plague you, but Shouto always seems to catch on, reassuring you that you’re exactly what he needs - a friend.

And you’re more than happy to be that.

You think sometimes, that even if he wasn’t paying you, you’d still like to be friends with Shouto Todoroki.

Until he starts acting weird.

“You should just stay at my place. I have more than enough room,, it’d be easier for both our schedules. We’d get to see each other more often.”

“Uhm...” You don’t really know what to say. You like your freedom, and having your own place where you can walk around in your (expensive) underwear without being bothered.

“I think it’d be nice, don’t you? We could have breakfast every morning, you wouldn’t have to worry about traveling to and fro, we could spend more time together. We don’t see each other nearly enough.”

He’s pushing, insistent. How are you supposed to tell him no? He’s paying for your entire life. Plus, it wouldn’t be that bad to actually live with him. Shouto’s an amicable man.

So you move in.

“I bought you a few things, they’re on your bed.” 

Shouto’s striding into the kitchen where you’re making coffee, buttoning up his shirt as he comes closer. You’ve found that the man likes to sleep in nothing but boxers, shrieking and flushing an embarrassing shade the first time he’d come to wake you up with a sweet “welcome” breakfast in bed.

It’s taken a while to adjust, but you finally feel that you’re fully settled in.

“Oh, you really don’t ha-”

“I wanted to. I went through your closet - your clothes are nice, but your underwear seemed to be lacking.” He’s so matter-of-fact.

All you can do is stare at the back of his head.

“Could you pass me a spoon please?”

-----

Shouto had splurged on expensive, fancy lingerie. 

At least eight different sets were laid out on your bed. It was overwhelming. It also felt.... a bit intrusive? They were all in your size, in a complementary color for your skin tone. 

Weird.

Not as weird as the onset of Shouto’s casual touches.

You’d be reading, or drinking tea and watching cars race by on the street so far below, and Shouto would come up behind you, caress your sides before intertwining his fingers with yours on one hand. He did it as if it was a normal thing, but it felt anything but normal.

Or you’d be on the couch together, and Shouto would shuffle closer until his large body was pressed to yours, almost curled around you. The faux-cuddling was a bit more off putting. How do you tell him no?

The touches became more and more intimate, Shouto’s gifts more and more frequent until you weren’t even spending a penny, the man taking care of everything.

The arrangement was beginning to make you uncomfortable.

Shouto’s bi-colored eyes seemed to always be on you, tracing the shape of your body, watching you move, or breath, or sit. It was distracting, and you felt bad for feeling this way towards the man who’d pulled you out of poverty, but it was so unnerving.

He seemed to notice.

“You’ve been so stressed these past few days. Is something wrong?” Shouto’s rubbing a hand into your shoulder, hovering over you at the dinner table.

“No?” Is all you can manage, wiping your hands on your napkin as you finish your food.

Shouto frowns. With a sigh, his hand drops from your shoulder and the man leaves your side, heads toward the kitchen.

You clear your plate from the table, following after him so you can wash it and put it in the dishwasher before you head off to get ready for bed. 

But Shouto is rummaging in a cupboard, pulling down two wine glasses to accompany the bottle of wine that’s standing proud on the island.  It’s your favorite, a sweet wine that Shouto knows you like, always brings it out when he decides to drink whisky or bourbon after dinner.

He pops the cork and pours you a glass while you finish with your dishes, handing you the glass when you turn away from the sink, pressing it into your hands. “Let’s relax a little bit, it’ll be good for both of us.”

You’re fine with that, knowing that a little wine won’t hurt you, especially when it’s of such fine quality. You’d never dreamed that you’d be able to taste such richness in your lifetime, spend frivolous amounts of money on wine and fine eateries. Yet here you are.

Shouto pours himself a glass, barely a sip filling the bottom. The man raises it to his lips and takes a swig, grimacing a bit in his flat, unexpressive way. You giggle a little.

“Too sweet?’

The man nods, setting the glass back down. “I’m not entirely sure how you can stand to stomach it. But if it makes you happy-” He shrugs, before pulling on of the bar-stools out from under the island so he can sit facing you, long legs stretching out before him.

You look at him, and he looks at you, and then you take another sip of wine to avoid the awkwardness.

“You’re distancing yourself from me.”

The accusation is quiet, Shouto’s eyes focused on your fingers wrapped around the stem of the glass.

He’s always been straightforward with his words. “Is there a reason you keep drawing away?”

The wine disappears from your glass, sliding down your throat and settling in your stomach. You fill your glass again before speaking, struggling to find the right words without upsetting your... benefactor.

“Well, Shouto... I don’t really know how to...” You trail off, hoping Shouto will say something, change the subject, say it’s alright and move on to something else.

But the man stays silent, eyes appraising you.

Taking a deep breath, and another gulp of sweetness, you try again.

“Sometimes the closeness... like, physical closeness? Makes me, well, uncomfortable.”

Hopefully, that would satisfy his curiosity for now. That wasn’t the only reason you’d been avoiding Shouto seeming distant, but you didn’t think sharing the others would result in anything good.

Said man accepted your response, dropping his eyes to his lap as he mulled it over. More wine was consumed, glass re-filled. You felt nervous.

“You’re saying that my touch isn’t something you’d prefer.”

Biting your lip, you soften at his confused expression, at the hint of sadness swimming behind his eyes. “Kind of. I don’t mind you Shouto, you’re really kind, and you’re good company, and a wonderful friend. I just don’t think the.... the intimacy is for me.”

Shouto raises his head, stares at you with those pretty eyes, lips parted as he comes to terms with your words. 

“It sounds like you don’t trust me. I would never hurt you, you know this.”

You scramble to assure him. “I do! I do trust you, and I know you wouldn’t.” (at least you hoped) “But I guess I just... Coming into this agreement I wasn’t ready for that type of... thing. I don’t know if I ever will be.”

The man rises, shakes his head as he steps closer to you. “Don’t worry, I remember our first conversation about that aspect. I see that for you, that type of relationship would only begin after you really cared for the other person, trusted and wanted to see them happy, am I correct?”

“Oh, Shouto-” You rush. “No, I care for you, and I trust you, and of course I want to see you happy. I think it’s just, y’know, my last relationship like that went really bad, and it sucked. I don’t want to go through that again.”

Shouto nods, understanding. “I see. You don’t have to worry about any of that with me then.”

A smile crosses your face, and you feel relived that he accepted your rejection with grace and understanding instead of violence or anger. “Thank you, it means a lot to me.”

The mood of the room shifted, from tense and uncomfortable, to easy and light, and you poured another glass of wine, laughing a little at how worried you were about the conversation with Shouto, only for it all to turn out fine.

“I’m going to go drink some of the liquor that’s kept in my room. I could mix a few drinks for you to try, you might like how sweet they are. I know hard alcohol isn’t quite your thing.”

You beam a smile, nodding your head eagerly. Before, you’d feel apprehensive about going into his room with him to drink alcohol. But with the conversation the two of you just had, you knew - things would be fine.

-----

The room was spinning and you felt giddy and light. You were definitely tipsy.

“You can lay down on my bed, you’re getting wobbly on your feet.” Shouto had offered, and you’d gladly accepted, flopping down onto his comfy bedspread with a laugh at how the motion made butterflies rise in your tummy.

Shouto leaned against his dresser, swirling whiskey in his glass as he watched you, a half-smile across his face. You smiled back, before closing your eyes, a little bit tired as you realized that you might be a bit more than just tipsy.

Shouto had mixed quite a few drinks for you, and you’d drank each one eagerly, impressed with how little alcohol you could taste in each one. You don’t remember how many you had, but it didn’t really matter.

The next thing you know, hands are on your waist, scooting you further up the bed so your legs no longer hang off the edge. Cracking open an eye, you’re met with the visage of red-and-white, eyes soft and warm as they regard you, Shouto’s face tinged a bit pink from the few drinks he had consumed. The man had never been too good at holding his alcohol.

When those hands started to slip beneath your shirt, you wiggled like a little worm, not really comprehending the situation. Maybe it was a dream.

Your shirt was discarded, then your pants. It felt much more comfortable now, and you mumbled a “thanks” to the man helping you settle for bed. He was so nice, Shouto took such good care of you. You still kind of couldn’t believe the turn your life had taken with him, the good luck pushed into your path.

Someone was kissing you.

With a grunt of surprise, you kissed them back, meeting their feverish pace and trying to keep up, soft lips puckering and pushing against your own with intent. Kissing felt good. You liked kissing.

Then a hand was cupping your face, stroking tenderly over your cheek before it began sliding down, down your neck, into the valley between your breasts, trailing over your bra. It felt funny.

Pushing back for air, you gasped when the hand on your chest started squeezing at you, eyes flying open with the startling, sudden sensation.

Shouto was hovering over you, lips puffy, panting as he stared at you with lusty eyes, an uncharacteristic look on his face. This... this wasn’t supposed to be like this. You knew. Hadn’t the two of you just talked about something... important? Was it important?

You didn’t feel panic until a hand cupped your sex, feeling your skin through your panties.

This wasn’t right.

Alarm bells were ringing, dull and far away, but you didn’t think that Shouto should be touching you in such a way. you should be going to bed.

“Mm, Sho, can you stop?” But your words felt funny on your tongue, and Shouto didn’t stop. Maybe he didn’t hear you.

His hair tickled your chin as the man bent to mouth at your tits, pulling the cups of your bra underneath them so he could feel your hot skin, let his saliva drag slick and wet against your chest. 

Your hands instinctively rooted themselves in his hair as you gasped again, not expecting such a move, tugging lightly at his head to pull him up. Shouto just groaned, teething gently at your breasts and not moving an inch. His hips were grinding against the bed though, as he stood between your spread legs.

Before you knew it, your panties were gone, bra clumsily unclasped and discarded, and you were completely bare. Shouto was undressing before you, struggling with the buttons on his shirt before giving up, easily ripping the fabric of his body with one tug, grumbling.

You didn’t feel so tipsy anymore.

“Shouto, what’re we doing? We shouldn’t be doing this, we need to stop-”

“Stay down.” Was his firm command, a hand splayed across your naked chest and pushing you back into the mattress as you tried to sit up. It made you breathless, the growl in his voice, the dominance emanating from the man. You stayed still.

“This’s gonna make us a stronger couple.” The man slurred, eyes dark and hands wandering, effortlessly keeping you pinned against the bed as he ground his hips forward against the edge. You were getting scared.

“Wait-”

You fell silent as one hand pushed down his pants, his underwear going with them, pink cock bobbing free. He was so pretty down there, and it made sense, all of him was pretty, but you suddenly realized the weight of the situation, what was happening.

“Shouto, no, oh my god. We gotta stop right now, we’re drunk, we’re-we’re-”

“Don’t care. Not gonna let you hide away from me this time.” Shouto shook his head, taking his cock in one hand and giving it a long, slow pump, flushed tip weeping precum and wetting his hand.

“No, no, this is wrong. I don’t want this, I could get pregnant!” You cried, beginning to panic for real, pushing against the one strong hand anchoring you to the bed.

Shouto just chuckled, letting go of his cock to crowd against you, getting up in your face to press a wet finger to your lips, the salty taste of his precum threatening to slip into your mouth unless you kept it shut. “Shhh, shh. If you stay nice and still, if you do what I say, I’ll use a condom.”

You couldn’t believe your ears.

“You’re gonna listen to me, you always do.” The man nodded to himself, once again dragging his cock against the bed between your legs, as if he couldn’t stop himself. “Or else I’ll fuck you raw.” The finger was pulled from your lips, only to be wagged teasingly in your face. 

You couldn’t believe how he was acting.

“Be nice.”

Shouto tapped your nose with a neatly manicured finger, before groaning as he heaved himself upright, red cock bobbing against his stomach, desperate for attention. The man gave you a look, as if to say “don’t move” before he took his hands off you, heading for his dresser.

Once you saw him pulling out a strip of condoms, you were on your feet, stumbling toward the door.

Although panic had sobered you somewhat, you were still struggling with the effects of the alcohol, so your reaction time was maddeningly slow. Slow enough that you weren’t able to truly fight against Shouto when he grabbed you from behind toned arms wrapping around your middle and heaving you into the air, only to throw you back on his bed.

You were almost sick on the bedspread, world spinning and stomach protesting, but you were able to calm yourself.

But then Shouto was on you, flipping you onto your back, a soft hand pressing against your throat threateningly. 

“You want to have a baby? Want me to cum in you so you’ll get all fat with kids? Hm?” He was so intense, almost choking you, straddling your waist and keeping you pinned. It was too much

You were able to manage a tearful, desperate “No!” despite the hand around your throat, and Shouto backed off, releasing the pressure to instead stroke his hand against the sides of your neck.

“Stop acting like this, it’s the next logical step for us. You said you cared for me, wanna make me happy. This’ll make me happy. I won’t be like the last guy.”

His cock was pressed against your stomach, and you could feel it twitching. Shouto clambered off of you, letting go of your neck so he could grab the condoms he’d tossed on the bed before snatching you up.

“Do what I say and I use these.” He waved them in your face before tearing one off, beginning to open it. 

You stayed still, gazing at him blearily, limbs feeling fuzzy, mind feeling the same.

The condom was rolled onto Shouto’s cock, the man spitting into his palm and giving the latex a few rubs to make it slick before reaching for you.

He dragged you to the edge of the bed - the perfect height for him to fuck you - and you didn’t fight, terrified of his threat. You couldn’t stand the thought of a baby.

(You didn’t know, but neither could he)

“Wanted to do this since I met you.” Shouto mumbled, pushing your panties to the side with a few fingers so he could guide his tip to your hole. “Want you so bad.”

You didn’t know what to think of this side of Shouto. This unreserved, uncareful, slurring mess of a man that loomed before you, gaze dark and wild, limbs everywhere as he groped and squeezed and appreciate the shape of your body.

But he must’ve gotten impatient, because then he was pushing inside.

It hurt, stinging pain rippling up your back and you keened, causing Shouto to pause. One of his hands darted down to wrap around your calf, hauling it up on the bed so he could lean forward and press it to you chest, sinking his cock a few inches deeper.

“You’re gonna take it.” He hissed before messily kissing you, pressed so close together that it was hard to breathe. “I’ll make it feel good after you do.”

[yandere-daydreams]

Title: Desperate Measures.

Pairing: Yandere!Kaeya/Reader (Genshin Impact).

Word Count: 2.2k.

TW: Kidnapping, Emotional Manipulation, Implied Stalking, and Delusional Mindsets.

Kaeya was a man, distracted.

Distracted. Divided. Not inattentive, but pulled away from his responsibilities by a force he couldn’t name and couldn’t say he cared for, either. He wasn’t a stranger to romantic inclinations — fantasies, sudden flings, slow-burning inclinations that died the moment his attention was called elsewhere. Predictably, the few relationships he allowed himself were short-lived, at best distasterous at worst, but he didn’t have a problem with that. If anything, Kaeya appreciated it. He’d always thought of company as optional, and what little loneliness he was still capable of feeling could be drowned with a generous glass of wine. He wasn’t one to linger. He tried not to overstay his welcome. He’d been sentimental, once, too emotional for his own good, and he’d learned his lesson. He didn’t intend to change.

He didn’t want to change.

And yet, here he was.

Distracted.

He couldn’t think. He couldn’t focus. It was all he could do to look like he might’ve been trying to read the most recent document left on his desk – this one from Jean, a directive for the younger knights or legislation she needed him to review or another vague, important report that he probably would’ve dealt with weeks ago, if he’d been able to concentrate.

He made a half-hearted effort to straighten his back as the door to his office began to open, but Kaeya dropped the act quickly, abandoning it completely by the time he heard the sound of heeled boots against hollow tile, caught a glimpse of a familiar (albeit, rarely used) catalyst, searched for eyes and found the cover of a thin book, instead, your face still buried in your newest novel as you stepped through the threshold, not bothering to knock. It was you. He should’ve known it would be. Who else did he deserve?

You, Lisa’s new assistant. You, the latest addition to the Knights of Favonius. You, his current, infuriating, unshakable fixation.

You, the new recruit who hadn’t paid him so much as a passing glance since your arrival, much to Kaeya’s frustration.

You didn’t look at him. You rarely ever did, but it hurt more than it usually did, today, as you dropped another form onto his desk, letting it replace the greeting you’d forgotten to offer. “Lisa needs you to sign this,” You started, laying out your priorities clearly, a skill Kaeya was beginning to resent. “It’s just next year’s budget. If you don’t want to read it, I think I’ll be able to look the other way.”

He glanced over the rows of numbers, the messy hand-writing, the columns of meaningless gibberish that blended together into a mess of ink and digits, and took your suggestion, scrawling his name across the only blank line. It was a lost cause, especially with you in the room. Especially with your unoccupied hand resting on his desk, your fingertips idly tapping an unsteady rhythm into the wood, and all he could think about was who he’d be willing to kill to feel that hand pressed against his cheek.

He considered asking you, for a moment, giving you an order and hoping you'd absent-mindedly obey. He thought about touching you, or running his fingers through your hair, or pulling you into his lap and mumbling sweet-nothings into your ear until someone else dragged you away.

He thought about a lot of things. Then, he said, “I take it your silence comes at a price?”

“Do I seem that selfish to you?” You were selfish. You had to be selfish. If you weren’t, then surely you would’ve been kind enough to put him out of his misery months ago. “I like helping people. Just remember this when I need a favor from you.”

“I’m sure we could work something more immediate out,” He went on, but you were already starting towards the door, calling the conversation to a close before Kaeya could begin to finish. In the back of his mind, something flared, the urge to catch your wrist, to go after you, to put himself between you and the only exit and refuse to move until you looked at him, but he forced it down, swallowing the temptation before it could eclipse his common sense. He couldn’t be impulsive. He couldn’t make rash decisions. He wasn’t prepared to deal with how difficult that would make things, not now.

Not yet.

“Join me for a drink?” He tried, again, attempting to sound unbothered. Nonchalant, casual, normal. Like he wasn’t itching to burn every book you’d touched. “I know you don’t have anything better to--”

“Another night, Captain.”

And just like that, you were gone, leaving Kaeya’s muttered response to echo through his empty office.

“Of course.”

~

Kaeya was a man, desperate.

Like a starving dog. Like a traveler who hadn’t seen water in thirty days. Like a distraught, distressed, disturbed knight, wandering through a maze of a library, cursing the existence of every shelf that separated him from you. He knew where you'd be. You were a creature of habit, and he’d already had more than enough time to memorize your routine. He’d had enough time to memorize everything about you, as ashamed as he was to admit it. It was a testament to his devotion, to how much time he’d spent trying and failing to win your favor.

It was evidence of how pathetic he’d gotten, over the course of his one-sided pursuit.

You were in your usual spot – tucked into the far corner of the library, perched on the edge of a windowsill, your attention monopolized by the tattered scroll spread across your lap. You were still pouring over it by the time he reached you, slumping against the nearest wall, taking in how brilliantly the muted sunlight looked as it danced across your skin. He didn’t try to hide the way he stared, anymore. He was long past worrying that you’d care enough to notice. Your hair was unkempt, proof that’d you slept in the archives again, if you’d slept at all. Your lips were bleeding, too, the lower one chewed raw and split down the middle, but it might’ve been stranger if they weren’t. It must’ve been a nervous tick, but Kaeya found it cute. Kaeya found it endearing. Kaeya found everything about you endearing, and to the archons, he wanted to see those lips wrapped around his co--

And he hated it. He found everything about you endearing, and he hated it. That was all.

He sighed, the sound airy, exhausted. You didn’t look up, but that was fine. It would’ve only hurt him further if someone as simple as that drew out your concern. “I’m in love with you.”

There was a hum, soft and contemplative. A rather generous response, by your standards. “I’ve noticed.”

“You’re all I think about.” It was an awkward confession, one he’d already used a hundred different times. He didn’t care. He’d use it a hundred more, if he had to. “I’m a wreck. I can barely remember my own name, and some days I can’t even do that. I can’t fight, I can’t eat, I can hardly breathe. Every morning, I wonder what it would be like to wake up to your smile, and every night, I stare at my ceiling and loath myself because I’m not holding you in my arms. For fuck’s sake, just yesterday, I almost kissed Albedo because the chemicals he was working with reminded me of the way your favorite kind of flower smells, and I’m just so fucking desperate, I convinced myself that was the closest I’d ever come to kissing you.”

He was rambling, by the end, panting, yelling, but you only blinked when he was done, once, then twice. Your dull nails bit into the edges of your scroll, but you didn’t seem to mind, nor did you move to roll it up as you finally turned to face him, the confusion written clearly across your expression. “You kissed Albedo?”

“You don’t get it,” He said, and you nodded in agreement. “You don’t fucking get it.”

“I think I do,” You admitted, more earnestly. Your gaze dropped back to the ground, and instantly, Kaeya deflated. “I just… I just don’t think it’d work out, if I’m being honest. I’m still new. I still have to give everyone else a reason to trust me, and I don’t think it’s in my best interest to start a relationship with one of my superiors so early on.” You paused, laughing to yourself, and something in Kaeya’s chest tightened. It was the happiest he’d been since he met you, and he still felt like you’d pushed a sword through his heart and twisted. “But, you don’t really want a relationship, do you? You’re just bored, and you need something to fixate on. I’m the most available option, so...” You trailed off, finishing your sentence with a vague, stilted sweeping gesture. “It’ll be easier for both of us, this way. I like you, Captain, but I don’t like you enough to put myself through that.”

It was all he could do to remember how to open his mouth. Once he did, the words came stumbling out on their own.

“Of course.”

~

Kaeya was a man, determined.

Determined might’ve been the wrong word for it. Too soft, too suggestive, the impression too positive and the meaning too vague. ‘Depraved’ might’ve suited him better, but that was too harsh, too primitive, and he’d like to think he’d been as gentle as anyone could expect him to be, given your stubbornness. He’d tried to be gentle. He’d wanted to be gentle. If he was going to do this to you, he could at least do it gently. You deserved that much, at least.

Or, maybe you didn’t. Maybe you didn’t deserve any of this.

He couldn’t really make up his mind, about that.

“Lisa?”

And he was gentle, more so than he had to be. Sure, you were on the floor, bare stone already beginning to chafe at your skin, but the shackles around your wrists were padded, and he’d given you enough slack to sit down, to ball yourself up, to act like it’d never crossed your mind that he’d resort to something so… easily misinterpreted. The blindfold was, similarly, an act of mercy. You’d panic if you woke up like this, chained to a wall in someone else’s cellar, and Kaeya didn’t want that. You needed time, and he could give you that. He would give you that. Even if it pained him to stay at arm’s length.

“Amber?”

He wanted to touch you. It’d be easy, now, easier than it’d ever been before. You wouldn’t be able to push him away, and even if you tried to, he could always overpower you. Take you by the neck, pin you against the floor, leave you shaking and trembling and begging, pleading with a captor you couldn’t see. He’d find a way to make it up to you, later on. He’d find a way to lie, to smile, to make it better, even if he’d failed to time and time again, out there. But, this would be different. You wouldn’t be able to cling to your excuses, and he’d be able to show you how much he cared, how much he wanted this, how much he loved you. This would be better.

“Kaeya?”

See? You were already coming around.

Your voice was already soft, hesitant, a sliver of a whisper that was constantly on the verge of dying out completely. You were trying not to make noise, trying not to seem as terrified as you really were, but he could hear the way your breath hitched as he took a step forward, your restraints rattling as you curled into yourself. You couldn’t hide from him, but you wanted to. That much was obvious. You didn’t want this.

But, he did. More than you could ever want to run away from it.

He wanted to touch you, but he held himself back. Instead, he only kneeled in front of you, letting himself linger for a moment before he spoke. “I’m here, love.”

“Where are we?” You were afraid, too scared to put the pieces together. Not while you could still hope there was another explanation. Not while you could still deny the apparent. “My head hurts, and I can’t--”

“I know, and I’ll make it up to you.” This time, he let himself reach out, cupping your cheek and chuckling as you tried to shy away. The two of you could work on that, later on. He could live with the guilt if he let himself enjoy it, now. “Just give me a moment, alright? Just a second, then I’ll take care of you.”

You opened your mouth, then you closed it again. Kaeya wondered if you’d be bold enough to refuse if he did try to kiss you, or hold you, or go further than the fleeting touches he’d swore would keep him satisfied, at first, at least. He wondered if he’d care, when you did. “Are… are you going to hurt me?”

He wanted to reassure you. He wanted to promise he’d be patient, that he’d understand if you lashed out, that violence wasn’t an option he was willing to consider, but he couldn’t, like this, could he? He didn’t want to hurt you, but he’d never wanted to kidnap you, either, not until you made it obvious he didn’t have another choice. He didn’t want to stoop so low, he didn’t want you to hate him, but…

But, he was lying again, wasn’t he?

To tell the truth, he couldn’t remember the last time he genuinely cared whether or not you loved him back.

You stifled a scream as his hand dropped to your jaw, his grip tightening as he jerked you forward, just close enough to wrap his arm around your waist, to bury his face in the side of your neck, to get a taste of what you’d deprived him of. It wasn’t enough, he doubted it’d ever be enough, but he had you. He had you, he was close to you, and he had you. That had to be enough, for now.

“We’ll see.”

[bts-weverse-trans]

210104 Weverse Magazine ‘Be’ Comeback Interview - Suga

SUGA “I'm grateful that there are still unvisited areas in the world of music” BTS BE comeback interview 2021.01.04

SUGA has this way of talking passionately with a deadpan look on his face. Full of passion about his life and music.

How is your shoulder? SUGA: Good. I think it’ll get even better once I take off this brace. Apparently, it takes several months for a full recovery, but I'm trying to get better as fast as possible.

How does it feel like to have resolved a problem that has distressed you for long? SUGA: First of all, I'm glad. The pain is one thing, but when my shoulders got worse, I couldn't even raise my arms. But when I heard that this might recur when getting the surgery at a young age, I waited for the right time and had decided to get it done early next year regardless of the COVID-19 situation. I had planned to get the surgery after the year-end stages, but I got it done this year (2020) because my doctors advised me to start preparing early for next year’s promotions and activities.

How does it feel like watching the other members doing promotions? SUGA: I can't say it feels great. I could see the emptiness because we've been together as a group of seven for so long. Not necessarily because I'm not there but because something that should be there is missing?

Is that what made you join the promotion as much as possible? You shot lots of video footage in advance and you even appeared in the Mnet “2020 MAMA” through VR. SUGA: Fake SUGA (Laughs). There’s this 3D studio where we shot it. I shot, scanned, and acted there, but couldn't see the actual result at the studio. I thought a sense of displacement was unavoidable, and that was exactly the case. (Laughs) I acted normal because it would have been aired anyway even if I hadn’t had the surgery, but it seems a lot because it’s aired after the surgery.

You must feel restricted not being able to go on stage. SUGA: The thing is, it's only been a month after I got surgery, but my absence on stage is so apparent. But my doctors keep telling me that I shouldn't be impatient and in fact, many athletes get a resurgery when they return to the field without proper rehabilitation. So I'm working on trying to care less. For the first two weeks after surgery, I felt so frustrated that I tried out new things. I even watched movies I didn't watch.

What movies did you watch? SUGA: I watched ‘Samjin Company English Class’ as it happened to be on IPTV, and now I have ‘Tenet’ on my list. ‘Parasite’ was the last movie I saw at a cinema. As the social distancing measures became stricter, I haven’t been going outside, except going to the hospital. I even eat at home. I'm also watching a lot of TV nowadays. Watching music shows like ‘Sing Again’, ‘Folk Us’, and ‘Show Me The Money 9’ made me think of what I should do in the upcoming days.

Could you elaborate on that? SUGA: A lot of candidates on ‘Sing Again’ are very talented but hadn't had the opportunity, and on ‘Folk Us’, I noticed that many took their own guitars on stage. I started playing the guitar lately and I'm having this urge to broaden my scope of music. And since my interest in the music industry in the U.S. grew, I'm getting prepared, studying English and all.

What fueled your interest? SUGA: In some ways it’s the most commercially developed market. You could lose the industry attention in a flash if it's not feasible. So in this system, you would try everything and that would be an efficient way. I want to do music for a long time, and to this end, I always want to learn more about the global music industry because I want to do music that’s loved not only in Korea, but also in the U.S., Japan and Europe.

Speaking of which, it seems BE was influenced from music of the past rather than today's trends. SUGA: I especially like impromptu music. I love the songs that were made in one take instead of being recorded several times. In this era of crossover genres, the desire to do better in music is growing inside me.

As the genres become more blended, the melody you use must be more important. Does starting to play the guitar affect your composing in any way? SUGA: I always liked using guitar sounds. And I have always liked the Eagles. If you play the guitar, it’s way easier to write songs because you can carry it along wherever you go, pluck on the strings to create melody lines. Keyboards are difficult to carry around. (Laughs) I usually work on my laptop but I had this thought that I definitely needed an instrument. It accelerates my work and improves my understanding of chords.

It makes me think you could intuitively make melodies. SUGA: It’s easier to write a song because you can intuitively make a progression and try many different things. During my work on ‘Eight’, IU had recorded and sent me a song from her phone. At the time I couldn’t play the guitar, so we tried to make sure we’re working on the same page when keeping track of each other's progress. That made me feel the need to learn an instrument.

This is actually before you started playing the guitar, but I found ‘Telepathy’ in BE very interesting. The varying melodic progressions between hooks for each member made me wonder if you wrote the melody intuitively for each part. SUGA: I tried writing a melody for the first time this year (2020), and as I started knowing the fun of music, it opened a lot of new doors for me. So it was kind of easy working on it. I just played a beat and wrote from the beginning until the end. Done. I wrote it in just 30 minutes. The song almost wrote itself. The trends of pop and hip-hop these days cross boundaries between vocals and rap. I like this trend.

When I listen to your singing, it feels like you’re hitting the beats rather than singing along the notes. So I thought perhaps you're singing as if you're rapping. SUGA: When you're rapping, you just think of the rhythm, so it’s like simply putting on a melody to a rhythm. To define which comes first, I think melody adds to it while writing the rap.

In ‘Life Goes On’, the lyrics ‘Thankfully between you and me, nothing’s changed’ are somewhere in between. It's not rap but it’d be mundane to say it's a mere melody. SUGA: There are obviously songs where the rap needs to be highlighted. For example, in ‘Dis-ease’ or ‘Ugh!’, you have to be good at rap. But in songs that should be easy to listen to, impressive raps are not always the way to go. Sometimes, you want smooth transitions without obstacles.

In that sense, the rap flow of ‘Blue & Grey’ was impressive. Rather than a dramatic effect that emphasizes each part, you extended the rap just as much as the slowing beat. SUGA: To be honest, this beat is difficult to rap to. The beginning of the song only has a guitar line, which made it even more difficult. I participated when we wrote lyrics for ‘Blue & Grey’ and I've always wanted to work on a song like this. It was because verse 1 talks about the theme of the song.

It seems you achieved almost everything that you wanted in BE. SUGA: I think it took less than a week to make my part in the album. After having written one or two melodies for ‘Life Goes On’, I wrote a version complete with rap, and liked it that I even worked on a separate arrangement and lyrics. Rather than pondering over the ways that might work, I choose to simply play the music and write.

Many creators are unsure even after they’ve produced good work. How do you get the conviction to release your work? SUGA: Many musicians are unsure whether they should release their music or not. It was the same for me, but the thing is, you’ll never release anything if you nitpick everything. For example, if we release 10 songs, we have a chance to unveil them in concerts or fan events. And sometimes, as we listen to the song, we think, ‘Why does this part that had bothered me no longer bother me?’ Some things might feel awkward at some point, but in time, it no longer feels awkward. Even I forget about it. So it's more efficient to fine tune, looking at the big picture, rather than thinking too much about the details. On top of that, during promotions, I don’t have the time to pick tracks that others have sent for 10 hours. It would be a success for all of us if each of us play and write a melody in their own time and collaborate with others on the details. So the way of songwriting has evolved in many aspects.

What motivated such evolution? SUGA: I think it evolved naturally. I've changed in personality this year (2020), as well as in terms of my interpretation and attitude toward life to the extent that I almost thought I've been rehearsing. How would it feel like if there were no stage to go to or anyone looking out for me? This thought made me realize the value of these things.

In ‘Dis-ease’, you sing ‘I don’t know if it’s the world that's sick’. Was it this lifestyle that changed your thoughts about your work? SUGA: Yes. When I was young, I had embraced the belief that ‘It must be my fault’, but as I got older, I realized that this is not always true. Most of what I had thought was my fault was in fact, not my fault. On the other hand, there are things that I did well and times I had been lucky.

‘I NEED U’ came out during a time when you were still thinking, “It must be me”. After the members put on a stage with ‘I NEED U’ in KBS' ‘Song Festival’, you wrote on Weverse, “It’s the same as five years ago.” How would you compare with back then? (This interview was held on December 19, 2020.) SUGA: We've matured quite a bit. And our stage performances have become more natural. I still like ‘I NEED U’. Just listening to the beat makes me sentimental, and above all, the song came out nicely. So as I was watching this and that when I stumbled across old videos. Watching them made me think that we haven’t changed much.

In what aspect haven't you changed much? SUGA: Before the social distancing measures got stricter, I talked with the photographer for BE, whom I had met four years ago. The photographer was surprised that we hadn’t changed much after all the success, even though he had assumed we’d be very different.

I'm amazed personally. I’ve had the chance to meet the members before your debut, but from your way of talking with members or others, it seems you haven't changed. SUGA: I think it's because we don’t give it a big deal about success. For example, it's incredible to be ranked first on the Billboards, but there’s also this sense of, “Okay, and?”

Even the Grammys? (Laughs) SUGA: When we got nominated for the Grammy Awards, we thought, ‘Is this real?’ (Laughs) Of course we were delighted, but it didn’t make us think, ‘We're singers nominated for the Grammy.’ If you're nominated, you're nominated, and if you get the award, you get the award. You don't get shaken by that. I know it's a great award and would be so grateful if we receive it, but we know that nothing is possible without the tremendous support of our fans. What’s more important is that the fans are more flattered than us when we receive a great award. So everyone's rejoicing, but it’s like, ‘Let's do what we have to do.’ We've been training ourselves to keep finding our places, so no one remains overexcited.

In ‘Fly To My Room’, there are lyrics that say, ‘This room is too small to contain my dream’, and ‘Sometimes this room becomes an emotional trash can, but it embraces me.’ I had this feeling that the room had been such a place and that you were accepting that you have changed. Then the essence must have remained the same. SUGA: It wasn’t easy to accept that we eventually change. But I think it's a good thing that we changed. What we did back then was possible only at that time, and we could change because of the things we had accomplished.

Then, what new things are you dreaming about? SUGA: I'm eager to continue doing music. Since all performances were canceled due to COVID-19, I had a chance to talk to so many musicians in Korea. I talked with legendary singers as well as people who are my contemporaries. Talking with them once again made me realize that I love music so much. Because music is my profession, I can’t imagine myself not doing it. I'm grateful that there are still unvisited areas in the world of music.

What kind of music do you think you’ll be engaged in in the future? SUGA: I was greatly motivated when I saw the concert of Na Hoon-a last Chuseok . I wondered how many musicians would actually be able perform and write music for so long like he has. At that moment, it occurred to be that ‘I want to be like him’. He has passion and desire, and most of all, he is a superstar. A few years ago, I took my parents to a Na Hoon-a concert, and when they watched the performance last Chuseok, they said it was way less impressive to see him perform through the TV. (Laughs)

That must explain your interest in a broader spectrum of music from instruments to composing and musical genres. Because you want to be doing this for a long time. SUGA: My goal is to continue doing music in any shape or form. In that sense, I have this great respect toward Cho Yong-pil. He takes the best sound there is and reinterprets it into his own. I think that’s something I want to emulate and keep changing and evolving so that I can continue doing music for decades to come.

The lyrics ‘Thankfully between you and me nothing’s changed’ must sound more meaningful for the fans because they will be listening to your music for a long time. SUGA: A month and a half in the current times must seem like a lifetime for the fans when we're far apart. I feel the same. But I think that's proof that we worked hard for the past seven years and that the fans have been passionately reaching out to us. I'm striving to get to them as fast as I can, and I'm eager to go on stage. I'm going through this because I want to be better on stage in a better condition, so don't be sad, and please hang in there a little longer.

Trans © Weverse